Absent

Chapter 10

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It was date night for Ryan and Stella. When I got home, they were already getting ready to leave. I made it upstairs before they even knew that I was home. I even avoided saying goodbye to them by sneaking into the restroom and turning the shower on. They called their goodbyes through the door and then they were gone.

I was grateful they'd be out for the night. I couldn't take facing them. After what Luca said, there was no doubt in my mind I was only here out of pity. Poor, lonely orphan with no family of her own; dangerous and unlovable. I had just started to think of them as my parents, and Jason as my brother. I was just beginning to feel like I belonged here with them.

Little did I know this was all a front they put on, probably to keep me unsuspecting. To keep me from lashing out and doing something bad.

This brought on pain like I never imagined. Losing something that was never really mine- was it even a loss? It felt like it. It was like someone ripped away a part of me I never even knew I had.

The house was quiet after Ryan and Stella left. I tried distracting myself by watching tv, listening to music, doing random searches on the internet. It didn't work. It didn't get his voice out of my head.

"I know you killed someone."

Like a slap in the face, it played over and over in my brain. Now it made sense, why Luca was so cold towards me. He knew who I was all along, and obviously thought the worst of me.

Thinking of the Agency, I was overcome with a wave of contradicting emotions. Of course I hated what they made me do, what they made me become. There was still something, though, I couldn't quite understand it. I had no memory of any life I lived before them, and I knew that was before of them. They took everything away from me. But there was this strange sense of safety that I had felt when I lived with them. It was a comfort knowing that I belonged to the Agency.

I felt horrible knowing how loyal I still was, though it was only emotional loyalty. How could I still feel like this after the horrible things they made me do? Looking back on that day, it made me sick to my stomach knowing that I had ended a life. The sickness intensified knowing that I didn't hesitate, didn't question it. The worst part of it all, though, was knowing deep down that I would have done more if they had asked me. I would have done anything for them.

I couldn't understand it. What kind of person did that make me? Just as bad as them, no doubt. I could understand why Jason and Luca thought what they did about me. I deserved it.

I didn't sleep, not really anyway. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Paul Arnold. I wondered what sort of man he was. What sort of man did I take from this world?

Each time I began to drift off, the echo of a gunshot rang through my mind, causing me to awake. Eventually, I did fall asleep, though I couldn't say when it happened. The sun peaking through the curtains hit me directly on my face. I blinked into the sunlight, groaning at the heavy weight of my eyelids.

I got up anyway. After changing into a white t-shirt and a pair of jeans, I made my way downstairs. Stella and Ryan were either already gone for the day or they didn't come home last night. They never slept past seven in the morning, and this wouldn't be the first date night that they stayed out too late to come home. They sometimes had their date night hours away, and just a month before their night had extended into the weekend when they accidentally stumbled upon a festival.

I checked my phone and sure enough, "we'll be back tomorrow afternoon, honey! We found a bed and breakfast we just had to try." Stella sent to no surprise.

It never upset me, though. They were happy, really genuinely happy. They made me want a life like theirs. Maybe I was never meant to have that.

I skipped breakfast, knowing I would need to leave much earlier to catch the bus than normal. It was warm out, even though it was still early. There were birds chirping; they sounded happy.