Deadroses {A Pete Wentz x Reader Story}

Chapter Three: Numb

A/N// wow that last chapter. Don't worry, "you" will get better.. eventually!! Just keep reading!! TRIGGER WARNING: CUTTING AND DEPRESSION

(Your POV)

I slowly feel myself wake up, I push some of my hair out of my face and look up at my ceiling...

My eyes ache from crying. I get out of my bed and see new scars covering my thighs, I don't remember much because my mind was flooded with lots of emotions.

I pull on a pair of grey joggers and tuck one side of the Slayer shirt into my sweats, I go across the hallway to the bathroom and splash cold water on to my face. Hoping to bring down the puffiness of my eyes.

I walk downstairs and notice I'm the only one there. I see a note on the counter reading *Mason and Riley are staying with their grandparents today, I think you should have a break :)*

I smile softly at the note and set it back down, I go to the couch and sigh. I suddenly get an idea. I walk over to the entertainment center and go through all the cabinets and drawers until I find an old record player. I half smile at it and brush the dust off.

I go up to my room and grab my From Under The Cork Tree vinyl from my vinyl and CD collection. I have every Fall Out Boy album on CD, vinyl, and downloaded on my iPod. I go back downstairs and gently take my cork tree vinyl from it's case.

I put it in the record player and drop the needle, soon the be accompanied by the sound of flashing cameras and Patrick's, "Brother's and sisters put this record down and take my advice.." I get really excited and sing along "Cause we are bad news!!" I dance around like an idiot and smile.

“We will leave you high and dry it's not worth the hearing you'll lose!!” I sing along with Patrick more, because I love this album the most out of the three they have out. (TTTYG,FUTCT,IOH).

"Ita just past daattee and I'm feeling young and reckless..” I didn't sing along that time because I was waiting for.. “The ribbon on my wrist says do no open before Christmas!!” I sing annoyingly loud and dance around.

I love Fall Out Boy so much and how their music affects me. Their music is so powerful to me...

~a small time skip~

As soon as XO ends I feel sad, From Under The Cork Tree means a lot to me. The album is choppy and punk, but deep at the same time.

I take the record out of the player and put the vinyl up, I creep back downstairs and crawl onto the couch. I lay down and curl up.

Everything feels so empty, sure I could listen to the other 2 albums, but they don't have the same affect on me. My life is so meaningless without my family here. My aunt, uncle, Mason, and Riley are amazing sure, but they don't fill that void that's my heart.

Sure I could whore myself out to some boy to fill that hole (literally and figuratively;) . But I have dignity and respect for myself (to some extent) and, and I'm too numb and emotionless  for love. My heart aches from the loss, everything's the same- I wake up at like 10 in the morning and take care or Riley and Mason during the day, Jessica and Brent get off work and spend some time with them and send them off to bed, I go to work and come back early in the morning.

It's all the same, all day everyday. The only difference is that sometimes (y/b/f/n) comes over sometimes. I really should go to a therapist, I should be better at coping with this, but I'm not. I'm to empty and depressed to take care of myself.

I don't wanna be me anymore.. (hence the song^^).

School starts back up in a month and I'll have to quit working at Taco Bell. I need to get a better sleep schedule for school. So I think I'm gonna go in tonight and explain my situation. So I'm thinking about getting a job at Hot Topic so I can go there after school and work until they close.

I stop thinking about this and more depressing thoughts fill my mind. You're so ugly and fat, no one actually cares about you-you worthless piece of shit, you can't do anything...

They flood my mind more and more, the thoughts get louder and become screams inside my head. YOU DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING, YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING, ITS YOUR FAULT LACIE AND YOUR MOM ARE DEAD, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET BETTER YOU DEPRESSED PIECE OF SHIT.

They get louder and louder and louder and my ears start to ring. I cover my ears with my hands and start to cry a small bit.

I run upstairs to the bathroom and strip quickly. Choking on tears during the process. I look at myself in the mirror and cry a bit more "Oh my god (y/n) you're so disgusting looking..how could anyone want you..” . I pick at my stomach and sigh, the tears calming down some.

I turn on a shower and step in, I stand directly under the head, the water crying down my skin. I eventually stop crying and stand in the shower in silence.

The depressing thoughts fill my head again in this silence. You're better off dead, you're not gonna make it, nothing matters, no one would miss you if you died. Aunt Jessica just feels bad for you.

They get loud again. I don't know what to do with myself at this point, I'm such a mess..maybe my thoughts are right. It's not worth it all in the end.

I grab my razor again and quickly take it apart. I want to cut my thighs again but it's too hard to do currently.

I take the blade in my hand and drag the shiny blade across my wrist, deeply. I make a some more cuts and a tear escapes my eye. I shouldn't do this to myself but I can't help it.

I decide to stop and sigh at myself. I reassemble the razor and decide to wash my hair and body. I shampoo and condition my hair, I wash my body making sure to get all the blood off. The soap stings on my cuts but I don't react, I wash myself up and turn the water off.

I step out of the shower and put on a towel on my head and wrap another one around my body. I walk across the hallway to my room and check the time on my phone. I turn on the new iPhone (you have an iPhone btw, it's like an iPhone 2 or some shit.. whatever was out in 2007). It's 1:30 pm. "Wow..the time flew by.." I say to myself. I go over to my dresser and get a pair of grey sweatpants out and grab an oversized Metallica shirt. I pull on a pair of underwear and a bra and dress myself.

I go into the bathroom and take the towel off my head and style hair (I'm trying to make it so people with all type of hair feel included) I work with it until I'm happy and touch up my messy eyeliner.

I walk downstairs and sink onto the couch. I feel so empty right now, I haven't cried this much in a long time. I just miss them so much and I want them back..