Play It By Ear

The Five Stages of Grief

Shorter chapter, sorry! I had more planned but it would have been too long too put it all in one chapter. 

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I groaned and pulled my aching head away from the ground. My eyes remained staring hazily at the words sprawled out in front of me. I could feel my windpipe constricting tightly as my heart pounded wildly against my chest.

All I could hear was the blood rushing through my veins and the erratic thumps of one of my most vital organs. I could not move, could not think, could not breath. My world was collapsing in around me.

The longer my eyes stayed trained on the words, the harder my arms shook until my torso fell back onto the ground in a heap. I tried to will my body to move again but it was fruitless. Faintly in the distance, I could hear strangled sobs.

It took a long while for me to register that those sobs were coming from me. I pulled my legs in closer to my stomach to comfort myself. Maybe, just maybe, if I made myself small enough, I would disappear. Fade into oblivion.

He couldn’t want me yet.

My hand inched up the ground until it reached my wet tear stained cheeks. There was a slight biting chill in the air that nipped at my skin. It silently urged me to move and seek solstice in the warmth. A shiver overtook my body. Waves upon waves of fear relentlessly crashed down on me.

I lay staring at the message long after the motion sensor activated lights faded off. It was not happening. It could not be happening yet.

No, it was all some stupid prank. A few kids deciding to screw with me. Yeah, that was it. It was not him.

But who was I kidding? Who would know other than me. Nobody knew about the letters other than my mother, and even then, she thought that I had stopped receiving those after the second move.

Truth was, I just could not bring myself to place that burden on her anymore. I was the one who was going to die, not her. I had only just received the last letter though. He would not have moved that fast, it was far too unlike him. He would have waited, as he always did. Waited until I started to let my defenses down, started to relax. Then he would strike.

It was a constant game, yet I kept falling for it.

It was too soon.

How did he always know?

I felt the defeat within me light on fire, until it burned into a horrifying rage.

He can’t have me yet!

My head was pounding, the throbbing sensation making me want to scream. A low gurgling sob slid past my chilled lips and fell quietly upon the ears of the night. My fingers gripped the cool grass beneath my palm, as though to anchor me down. I pulled my fist up and slammed it into the ground.

It was too soon. I wanted to live life. They were bastards. All of them, bastards. My mental voice ran through all of the curses I could conjure up and attached every one of them to the bastards that caused everything, but especially him.

I screamed into the ground, the noise stifled slightly by the grass and then swallowed by the night. I continued to scream until my throat felt raw. The fire within me burned and scorched everything.

Slowly, my cries faded and my fist stopped its pounding. A strange sense of calmness overcame me. A voice in the back of my head called out all of the doubts I had harbored deep within my soul.

He wouldn’t be doing this yet if I had been more careful.

Eventually, my fist stopped pounding against the ground. I took in a shuttering breath and wiped a few stray tears from my eyes. It was my fault. I had brought this all upon myself. If only I had not forced Jasmine to sneak out of the house with me to go to the park…If only I had said something when Jasmine told me to stay quiet... If only I had done so many things.