Troubled

Trying To Live With It

-Autumn term-

I’d been away from school for six weeks and in all that time I hadn’t seen anyone at all apart from my parents, and it’s not like I said much to them. The only times I left my room were to get something to eat and drink but even that took hours of persuasion on my parents part. You might be asking yourself why, in those six weeks did I not see Alex? Beats me too, I didn’t see him at all.

At the beginning of the summer, around two weeks after what had happened, I decided that I couldn’t go through this on my own, so I decided to call Alex, as I knew he’d be feeling the same way – struggling to cope I mean. I remember how nervous I felt as we hadn’t spoken since that night in the hospital. I left it ringing for ages until finally I heard him say “Hi, it’s Alex, I’m sorry I can’t take your call right now but leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can”. So I left him a message, telling him that no matter what we’d been through, I was always there for him and that I knew he was there for me too. I realized after the first 16 phones calls over 2 days that maybe the latter wasn’t true. It was obvious, he wasn’t there for me anymore and I would have to face the rest of the summer alone.

At the time, I didn’t even want to think about going back to school, especially since I didn’t have Alex anymore. I remember telling my parents that I’d do anything just so I didn’t have to go back to school, so they suggested I moved schools. I then explained that it wasn’t just that school – it was any school; I just didn’t want to have to return to ‘a’ school.

Tomorrow was my first day back after the summer and my mom must have knew how I was feeling, so she came to talk to me. “Tam, I know it’s hard, but trust me, you’ll get through it. You’re a strong person; you’ll find ways to move on”.

That really struck a nerve.

“Move on? How can you bring yourself to say that? I’ve just lost my best friend, the person I’ve known since the day I could talk… AND YOU’RE TELLING ME TO MOVE ON?” I couldn’t believe she’d said that.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that…it’s just…” She tried to explain.

“Just leave me alone…” I said as I shut my bedroom door behind her.

After I’d had a shower, I threw on my pajamas and climbed into bed, not even wanting to think about the day I had ahead of me tomorrow.

--The next morning—

“Tam, you better be up!” My dad yelled from the other side of my bedroom door. I chose not to reply, I just didn’t care about anything today. “That’s it, I’m coming in, in five seconds and by then you better be out of bed!” He began to count and just as he reached one, I sat on my bed, fully dressed, with my bag, ready to leave for school.

He opened the door and saw me sat on the bed. He opened his mouth like he was about to speak but decided against it. “Can I have a lift?” I asked him. He looked at me sadly. I could tell what was on his mind. “Sure, come on” He said.

He was thinking about how I got to school previously. Alex. He was old enough to drive so he picked me up every morning and took me to school. Friday’s were our favorite days because we used to leave earlier than usual and go to the coffee shop to…. Meet Liv. But since we hadn’t spoken in six weeks I assumed I have to find other means of transport.

I was interrupted from my thoughts by my dad asking me where he should park. I just told him to park anywhere and he pulled over on the school car park and then began his lecture on how things would soon get better/easier.

I guess his lecture did kind of help and it was sweet of him to try and make me feel better but I must admit that I did zone out, I had other things to be preoccupied with today.