Troubled

Consider It If It Makes You Feel Better

"Well try not to sound too enthusiastic!" Alex said as he looked up from his phone.

"I wonder how many rooms this school actually has, and we're across the hall....really?" I replied, shoving my phone in my pocket.

"So where to? Library?" He asked. It was beginning to annoy me, it's like he cared too much about me and that made me feel bad because I didn't want to care about him, even though I still did.

"Sure, whatever" I replied.

He didn't look impressed with my enthusiasm but we continued to make our way to the library anyway.

When we arrived at the library we got our books and stuff out and started working. It was a long silence before either of us spoke and it was kind of awkward, so I was thinking of sparking up a conversation, but he beat me to it.

"So, how have you been? I mean, with being here and everything.." He asked.

"Oh, you know, things have always been fab for me" I smiled.

"Tammy...." He looked at me apologetically, took my hand in his and looked deep into my eyes.

My eyes began to water and I felt a lump in my throat. As the tears began to fall I took my hand away from his and began to stand up and put my books back in my bag.

"Tammy, please just wait!" He said as he stood up and tried to stop me from leaving.

"Just...please, I can't do this right now" I told him as I walked towards the doors of the library. It was too soon for me and Alex to be having heart-to-hearts, I just needed some space, but I guessed that would be hard I come by since he lived right across the hall.

I walked out the library, stopping at the doors and looking back. I saw Alex sat with his head in his hands like he felt bad, but it was me that should be feeling bad. Alex hadn't done anything wrong, in fact, he was just trying to be nice and I threw it back in his face.

Later that night I lay in bed wide awake. Every single time I heard someone walking down my corridor I ran to the door and opened it just enough for me to see who it was each time. I'd been doing this for almost 4 hours and I still hadn't seen Alex, so I guessed he might still be at the library.

I sat back on my bed for what must have been the 754th time and contemplated going to the library to apologise for earlier. After another 5 minutes of intense thinking, I decided to go to the library.

I grabbed my blue hoodie, slipped it on over my red pyjamas and headed for the library.

On the way a thousand thoughts ran through my head. I missed Alex, there was no doubt about it. I missed Liv too, so so much. No, I couldn't think about this right now, I just had to go and speak to Alex.

Another thought occurred on my way to the library. Maybe it wasn't just our friendship I missed. I remembered that summer a few years ago, that summer when I'd questioned my friendship with Alex, when I'd felt that there could be something a little more than friendship between us.

I thought about this on my way to the library and decided that maybe I should just tell him, that I was feeling this way. Maybe I should tell him that just like a few years ago, I was thinking that maybe the reason I missed him so much was because...maybe I loved him?

Alex's P.O.V

I'd been sat in the library for the past few hours, just thinking. I didn't mean to upset Tamara, this whole thing must be so hard for her, especially since I hadn't been there for her. And there was so much talking that had to be done between us, mostly on my part. I had so much to explain; late to lessons, missing lessons, my disappearing act in general.

I needed to start being there for her and make up for lost time.

It was funny because I remembered what Olivia had said to me a few summers back, how Tamara was thinking of me as more than a best friend.

I always regretted never telling her that I felt the same that summer and by the time I was going to tell her, it was too late and I got worried that her feelings had gone away. Maybe I should tell her that.

I decided to go to her room to see her, I could tell her about how Liv had told me that she felt that way and we could have a laugh about it to break the ice, it could be like old times and that's what I was desperate for.

I headed for the library door and went straight downstairs I decided to take the outside route to Mara's room as it was longer and I had time to figure out what I would say to her.

It was dark outside, but the lights in the school grounds kept the paths well-lit and I soon reached the outside doors which lead upstairs to my corridor, which happened to also be Mara's corridor.

Mara's P.O.V

As I got closer to the library, I thought my plan through once again.

I was going to tell him that maybe I'd always thought of him as more than a friend.

Alex's P.O.V

I got closer to her door and thought it through once again.

I had to tell her. I just had to speak to her and tell her how I felt.

The truth was, the feelings I had that summer....they never went away.

I was in love with my best friend.