Types of tears (COMPLETED)

chapter 1

I walk outside my classroom with my head down, I didn't want to see how people stared at me, I hate when people stare at me, what? Haven't they seen a boy before, the school is full of them.

I get my backpack straps and head to the exit, avoiding everything and everyone I could, I don't like school, I hate it, and the people in it, always criticizing you without knowing you, just assuming things about you without even now. I think that's the worst, for people to just think something of you without taking time to know what your really about, the struggles you have, the problems, the mental disorders, it's just everything you know.

I head outside of school, already feeling kind of better, occasionally looking at the groups of friends together, having so much fun, laughing, planning to go out, sharing secrets and future goals to one another, but I look away almost instantly that will just bring me down more because I wish I had that, I walk outside school property and cross the street walking down a few blocks to wait for the bus.

I see some other kids from my school stand next to me waiting for the buss too, probably just 5 to 7 kids in my hole school take the bus, mostly nerds like me, most of the other kids have their own car or their parents pick them up, but not me.

Mostly cause my parents couldn't care less about me, I mean first I would just convince myself that there to busy working and stuff, I mean life in Cali is expensive but when my brother Peyton would live here they would pick him up from school every day, and take him out wherever he wanted. Since his school was just 10 minutes away from my school my parents would pick me up too, but since he moved to college they stopped picking me up and just been ignoring me.

I mean who could blame them, Peyton was in the perfect child, getting honors almost in every subject in school, perfect grades, perfect social skills, perfect friends, perfect looks, just perfect in everything, my parents most biggest pride. And I'm not making this up, you could see this in any family event or with just looking at are refrigerator, 99% for Peyton is on it.

The bus pulls up and I get in showing my bus pass before getting a sit that was all alone, I sigh as I sit, it's almost impossible to get a sit on your own at the bus, although these moments are few, and very short, I enjoy them completely. As I sit down I see my reflection on the window and look down, another reason why Peyton is better than me, he's tall, has perfect teeth, bright blue eyes with perfect vision, and luscious hair as some girls would call it. and then there's me, a skinny tall noodle, with sad blue eyes covered with big fly glasses, crooked teeth and annoying brown hair that would just do what it wanted to. I mean I shouldn't even be mad about it, Peyton is better than me in a lot of ways.

I take of my glasses and put them in my backpack, my vision was bad, I could see close things pretty fine, but I couldn't see anything more than 30 feet away, another flaw in me, and trust me the list goes on and on. But I hate using them, they're so big and ugly, I hate people seeing me in them just to scream out their so original insults. "Four eyes" "fly eyes" "to focused" "nerd" "retarded" "loser" "wimp" "bat". That list goes on too.

After 30 minutes for being next to his old lady that sat next to me on the bus, it stops in front of my house area. I walk out and go inside the residential area to my house, I get the key from my pocket open the door, and surprise surprise, no ones home. I walk to my room that was all in black, typical they would say from a 17-year old in his emo days but I'm not in my emo days. I can't even like black now with about having the world thinking I'm some crazy emo that just takes everything for granted.

I leave my backpack on the floor to my mess if a room, some say it's cause I have a mess in my mind to, and that's true.

I walk outside to the kitchen and make a sandwich and sit-down on the table looking blankly at the wall, in complete silence. I hated this as well but it was my life, alone with complete silence, with nothing but thoughts in your head constantly telling you the worst things about yourself, that you constantly try to ignore to feel better about yourself, people have a way of escaping with distraction, that would be friends, family, hobbies, work Etc. But when you have no one, how can you escape from them? You can't.

You think about how small life is and how insignificant you are in the world, that someone better than you could have been born in your place and actually make a difference in the world instead of disappointing everyone. You start thinking about how your life wouldn't mean anything if you finished it all, how everything would move on just as plane, the only difference would be you not here.

I start thinking how my parents don't care of me at all, if they did they would at least be here right? They would try to help me or stop comparing me to Payton, making me compare myself to everyone, and the saddest thing is, I never win, to anyone.

I start thinking about what life will be like later on for me, I'm not going to college cause my parents couldn't...or more accurate wouldn't pay for it because Payton is in the best and most expensive University out there, they would give everything to him and nothing to me.  So what was I going to do? Start a part-time job? Start a complete job and just save hopelessly to get out of here? To a place where I wasn't going to be happy either. I mean the meaning of life is to be happy right? But I can't be, I just can't, I have no reason to be happy, about anything. I'm sitting in a lonely house eating a bad sandwich with a phone that only has the numbers of mom dad and precious Peyton's because I have nobody else. I was just me, just me. I hate those words, just me, you have nothing else but just you, and you're not even enough.

I feel my eyes start to water with those words, no matter how much I try to shake it of I couldn't. As I feel a teardrop rolling down my cheek i head the door open, I stand up and run to my room closing the door, I didn't want my parents to see me cry, it's just another reason to be more disappointed that me. That I was weak.

I hear them talk in the kitchen then after a moment come knocking at my door asking for me to come eat.

"I already eat" I say, still trying to get a hold of myself. I hear footsteps walking away, happy and sad at the same time, happy she was leaving me alone but sad she gave up so quickly, I don't blame her though, I already gave up on myself.

I pull out my math book and glasses from my backpack and start to study for the test tomorrow, I read the line but understand nothing, I squint my eyes together and pull my hair trying to get some brain cells working but I couldn't, I read the same page 6 times already but I still don't understand.

First I thought this was something everyone goes through but then once I asked Payton to help me with some math homework, he took one looked at laughed at me saying this was the easiest thing in the world, he explained probably more times than any human could but I still couldn't understand, Payton thought I was kidding and left me, but I truly didn't understand. I remember the humiliation I felt not being able to understand something so simple, the laughs I hear are something that are still fresh in me, I remember wanting to understand but I just couldn't, I couldn't, I passed math that year with a C, and every year from then as well.

I squint my eyes "I'm trying" I whisper to myself as I shove the book away. "I'm just me" I mumble out as I curl up on a ball in my bed and close my eyes being to hear how my mom and dad started yelling at each other, nothing new but always hard to hear, I put a pillow over my head and start to mumble things to drown their words wanted to fall asleep already.

I hate this.