My Little Black Joy

Chapter 5

"You have to let go of this love thing " She said , you need to go out and enjoy yourself , he's far and even if you cheat he wasn't ever going to find out "  At that moment those words sounded true and I was tempted to go out of my way have sex and enjoy with someone else but then I stopped and listened to my heart .
I saw King's face reminding me of my promise and I nodded I was going to keep it although I didn't know how .
I got used to the distance and everything that came with it . I smiled when he hit me with just "Hi" , it hurt but I was happy he remembered I existed ....why did love hurt so badly ?

I talked with my tears mostly , they were the ones that understood me . I took bible studies and prayed that the relationship will be better tomorrow , they were negative comments about the relationship and he wasn't helping anyway , my music comforted me , made me feel happy . I fell in love with another person , he was always there for me , he made me feel all I ever wanted to feel . I got my self a better best friend . I could say that that was enough to keep me from thinking about babe but I still thought of him, lesser than I did before . He was real love.

School seemed to lack fun for the first few weeks and I was always running home ....boys kept dragging my trail but damn ! I wasn't interested , I was done ! I didn't want anyone .
They were all the same they love you today , they fuck u tomorrow , they leave the next . I thought , I secretly prayed about my new relationship although I loved the old one more..

I loved the new one , I did a lot of things I never did with babe with him . But I still wished it was babe sometimes .
He used to be everything to me but I was trying hard to not live in my head .
I cried remembering King and my promise to him . I needed a miracle and the one I had was slipping away if not gone . I thought of suicide , I thought of slitting my hands , I thought of pills , I imagined my death often in my bathroom .

I loved it , the thought of dying ... What was remaining to live for ? "Don't tell me family and how great I was going to become ".. I was heartbroken and no one cared , they were all enclosed in their own business and careers and I was left in the dark .  I acted so strong , I still helped others with their relationship pains yet I carried a load no one else saw . Mum kept hammering on getting a degree and forgetting boys , you bet she didn't want to see my scars.
I eventually started tried out new things like ushering . I met a lot of people ,especially rich guys and a few rich  ladies who were laced with loneliness most ladies got clingy though . They all wanted to keep me ,travel with me , bills on them but I guess you can't belong to everybody can you?

School was gradually coming to an end and he still hit me up with "Hi babe"....I expected more but I stopped asking , I just died in silence . One of my friends was getting married so for the world took a new turn for me , I paused on my chats , I rarely replied chats I was so focused on getting her wedding done . She took me along in her travels especially when she wanted to chose a gown and colours of the supportive people which a lot would call brides maids or there about .

My parents had hit a big jackpot and in no time they were flourishing and swimming in wealth , contracts everywhere.  It looked like God loved me too much .

As soon as fourth year was over , my friend was married.  I was lucky a lot of people that wanted me to sleep with them before they help me started sending money in large amounts surprisingly , they said sorry  for the useless life they wanted to live . I called it Grace . It was Gods favour upon my life.
Fifth year came , my new boyfriend loved me too much around this time . he cared much about me. He was so jealous , sometimes he couldn't hide it . He knew we would end up together for life . He saw his children in my eyes , he wanted a future with me and he didn't want anything to jeopardize that. As soon as school was over .I knew Law school wasn't an option although I had cleared .

I was back to my old life ..  I listened to my music and cried and kissed his pictures on my phone and prayed before I could go through my mobile phone , mum got me a new one with an iPad like she did for my siblings , she shoved our visas in our faces and told us that her brother had sent a letter saying we should come over ...I had to had in my resignation to the man I worked for I wasn't as happy as the other kids though but it was a chance to get out if here so I took it . I told no one about it . I kept it myself .  I prayed silently that it won't be a disaster .

Finally the day came so fast , and hugging mum tight gave me second thoughts about the trip . I needed that hug , I needed it for a long time and I was just getting it .I thought about how heart broken my new guy must have felt when I told him I was going out.  Mum cried that was the first time I saw her tear drop !  , dad didn't buy the idea but he let us go , he made sure we were headed for the plane before he left . I looked back twice , family was really everything .
     
       "We love you all . Take care of yourselves ! "

Finally I had left .... I felt like telling the pilot to reverse the plane so I could wipe mums tears , the ones I remembered her with . But wat could I do ? I was half way gone already . My lil sis just smiled at me at intervals and my brother was just fast asleep!  " I imagined someone going to beg the pilots to help him charge his phone knowing his weird our people could get" before I finally slept off !
My sis tapped me to say that we had arrived . It was like a dream that I never wanted to wake-up from.