The Mistakes I've Made

Chapter 4

       No. The fear was crushing, suffocating. I need to stop thinking. No. Will I die? Maybe. But how? When? Today? Tomorrow? Will I kill myself? If so, how? No. I wouldn't kill myself. I wouldn't leave my mom. But she might be leaving you soon... a voice in the back of my head whispers. Shut up. She'll be fine. She'll get better. Won't she? Bringing my attention back to reality I realize I'm starting to panic. No. I will. Not. Panic. Quietly and quickly, I search the room for a distraction. No more thinking. Looking around the walls, avoiding the mirror I realize their blank. Damn. I start looking at the students. The girl in front of me to be more exact. Her chestnut colored hair only goes to her shoulders, curling up at the ends outward, pointing in every direction. A dark navy blue beanie covers the top of her head. She has a black, baggy shirt that's too big for her along with a pair of black jeans and converse. Basically she has a lot of black. She has a lot of bracelets as well hiding her arms. As much as I'd like to say I feel better, I don't like lying. But I do. And don't. It's confusing, but I cant explain it. I feel better and calmed down but I'm not calm. My palms are sweating and my heart is racing. I need out. I think I might be having a panic attacks but I'm breathing fine and I don't feel as if I am. "Joseph?" My eyes shot to the front. The teacher now sits at the front of the room behind a wooden desk, with his computer. He's taking attendance. Ok. Say here stupid! Oh. Right. "Here." I call out, and wince. My voice sounds scratched. The girl in front of me turns, and looks right at me. She took my breath away. What every breath I had left at least. She had navy blue glasses, over her honey brown eyes. She has rosy cheeks and full lips. Everything about her was perfect. Beautiful... "What?" She asks trying to suppress a smile. Confusion washes over me as I draw my eye brows together. "What?" I ask confused. Someone snickers behind me but I ignore them. "What did you just say about me?" Ok. Now I'm really confused. I didn't say anything. "Yea, you did. I heard you." Wait... "Am I saying my thoughts aloud?" I finally ask. My voice seemed to stun her. "Yes. I think. Maybe. That would explain why you were staring at me. Am I right? You were staring at me because you think I'm beautiful?" Now I was stunned. I could feel the blood rush to my face. Definitely blushing. I made sure to keep my mouth shut this time though. Avoiding anymore eye contact with her I turn away. Why did I stare at her? Why did I talk to her? She's red. A deep red. I don't talk to reds, because I don't to get attached and watch as their timer runs out, knowing there's nothing I can do to stop it. So why? The rest of class past in a blur, all of us walking out with an assignment. A question to answer, and a question to ask. His question being, what we think our fear is. Interesting. He told us to write it in out notebooks, then on the back ask him a question and turn it in at the end of the day. He said we are free to write whatever we want in it for the rest of the day, so that it might help him better understand us. And I can't help but wonder what my fear is. Normally I would say mirrors but it's a little to late for that. So what am I afraid of? The dark? Spiders? Snakes? No, no and no. I never have been. So what? Death? As much as I hate to say it no. I've been surrounded by it my whole life, What with seeing everyone's internal timer. So what is my fear? Truly? Walking into my second hour, math, this thought dwells on me, a nagging voice in the back of my head. It wasn't until I realized I had every core class with the girl did I realize what it was. My biggest fear is that eventually, everyone will see me the same way I see myself. And with that I immediately knew my question. So I grabbed a pencil and wrote it down.

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Authors note:

     Hey there! Sorry, I had pressed publish to soon haha😂

Anyways...... enjoy! (And, clearly, I am a fan of TØP, MCR, P!ATD, AND FOB. Shoot me.)