The Mistakes I've Made

Chapter 6

I wish I could say I had a good dream last night. Shit, I wish I could say I had had a dream. Sadly, though I got no sleep. Why, you may ask? Well you tell me. I just laid there. All night. Thinking. Do you know the worst part of life? The most insufferable thing? The thing that kills? Thinking. It's when your thoughts run wild. There's no good or bad about it. It takes over your body and soul. There's no escaping it. So why? Why do we tell ourselves we're going to concur the world? It makes no sense. We are all kings and queens. Equal. That's what they tell us. That we rule our own mind. We are in control. But it's not true now is it? Like all kingdoms, their is uprisings. Arguments. Fights. Wars. And eventually, the king and queen gets overthrown.then they are controlled. Commanded. So if we can't even control our life's, our thoughts, how could we possibly control the world? We can't. It's impossible. Or another way to see this predicament, how can you save someone else when you can't save yourself? How could you go around fixing their problems when you can't even fix your own? Fix their mind when yours is so gone you don't know where to start? How can you pull someone from the edge when your right next to them? How can you tell them not to jump when your foots already hanging off. You can't. You shouldn't. And yet...you do. Because that's how it works right? What's their reason? Love? Yea. You can't have love without sacrifice. But they also say if you love them let them go. I think the sacrifice is more accurate though. You can't save someone else and yourself. Because you can't worry about yourself. It's selfish. It's pathetic. Right? I don't know. And how could I? I've never been in love. I mean I love my mom. But does that count? Yes. But I can't fix her. She's physically hurt. I'm talking about mental. So tell me. If you were, or are, in love would you die for them? To easy. Would you live for them? Still to easy. I know. If you truly love someone, would you stay? Would you be able to? Would you really be able to stay as you watch them, destroy them self, until their nothing, knowing what your doing isn't working? Watching them put on a smile after a breakdown? Watching them play pretend? Would you be able to stay until the very end? Would you be mad? Sad? Or would you accept that it's life? Would you accept it was their choice? You might say yes, but you know the truth. Deep down you do. You wouldn't. Couldn't. Because it would hurt you to much. And there it is. You can't have love without sacrifice. So tell me, why do you throw the words around so freely? Easily? Because your trying to save them. But little do you know, your only causing more damage. So I will tell you the cold hard truth. You can't. You can't save them. You can only try. And it always hurts so much more in the end. So what's the point of it? Truly? There is non. I looked over at my clock to see it's only 1:46. Of course. But I can't just sit here anymore. I want to move. Need to move. Getting out of bed, I get dressed, and put on my shoes. Slowly opening my door, I step into the hallway and, before I know it, outside. Breath. It was nice to breath without panic or worry. It's nice to just clear my mind. Or try to at least. Stop thinking. Deal breaths. Now walk. My body following command, I walk down the side walk. And I count. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. I count each step I take. I look around and it's still dark, the neighborhood asleep. 36,37,38,39,40. I wonder if anyone else deals with this. My footsteps being the only sound I stop. That's when I hear it. A poor soul, much like mine, whispering into the night. Whispering to the stars and moon. Moving towards the sound I find myself looking at an old crappy apartment building, and on the 3d floor balcony was a girl, silently crying her emotions away. And it was her. And, through her tears she smiled a warm, exhausted smile to the moon. And she whispered her worries away. I felt like I was intruding but I couldn't back away. I was frozen. And, suddenly, I felt as if I had to listen. It was meant for me to hear. And with that what she was saying became perfectly clear. "And I'm sorry. But I...can't. Nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows how many times I've cried in my room when nobody was watching. Nobody knows how many times I've lost hope, how many times I was let down. Nobody knows how many times I felt like I was gonna snap but I just don't, for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head when I'm sad. How truly terrible they are. Nobody reads between the lines. They don't see through the im fines. The I'm okays, the it's nothing's, the don't worry about it's. And I don't think people understand it. How stressful it is to explain what's going on in your head when you don't even understand it yourself. And it's funny you know? I find my self spilling my heart out to anyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention. And it's stupid, because I know they don't care. It's worse when I notice the changes. One day I'll be fine then I'll lose everything so fast. And it's sad, to watch other people smile and laugh. To see other people happy. And, knowing you can't have that. Because I'm not enough. I'm not pretty. I'm not smart. I'm pathetic, sad, I need help but I don't. Because I'm fine, and I hate myself because I feel the opposite even though nothings wrong! My problems are little things. Such little problems. Others have it worse. But these little things seem to effect me more than them. So why? Why do I put myself through all of this? What am I waiting for? It's funny. I know why I was waiting. I was hoping I'd get saved. Loved. But I guess I was wrong. So so very wrong. So I say goodbye. But to who? I don't know. No one will miss me so what's the point? Oh, that's right. There isn't one. Another pathetic attempt I guess. So I guess that's why. And the end of my story. Huh. The end." She smiled so peacefully at that thought. Then, with tears still streaming, she climbed on to the railing, stood up and once again looked up to the moon. She lifted her chin and whispered one more thing. "Thank you." And with that she jumped. She jumped to the end. And the beginning. I heard the scream. And then...I was awake, tears running down my face, mom standing over me. And I cried. I cried for what I lost. I cried for what I didn't have. I cried for her. And I cried for the future. Because I knew what that meant. And it scared me so so much.

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Authors note:

Hello! Ok, so from experience, I have a feeling I should mention IT GETS BETTER. NO JUDGING, PLEASE!

Anyways.......I hope you guys enjoy! Stay alive friends |-\