Broken (Loki love Story)

Truly Ill

Your fault

Your fault

        My guilt still plagues me, three weeks after I st- hurt him. My mind is reeling, I have not slept since the day before... it happened. Every time I close my eyes, I see Liam's face as the dagger collides with his gut. I hear the blade slice through his flesh, I see the crimson liquid on the ground and all over my hands.

My fault

My fault

My fault

        I feel the guilt seer it's way into my soul, along with his companions. Regret, sorrow, and Depression. They eat away at my mind, my actions and well being. Causing me to feel insane and unstable. I cannot even express these feels to my husband. The man I love the man I pledge my self to ten years ago, then man who gave me my four wonderful children. I smile when I am with them, when I am with the children. If they knew what I did, they would no longer see me as their mother... 

But as a Monster

        Though I have not told Loki, he sees right through my cheery illusion. He knows something is wrong with me, he knows I feel guilt. He does not know how much guilt I feel, he does not know the pain I have felt. The pain I felt when I realized, I had stabbed some I had known my entire life... and enjoyed it. He did not deserve what I did to him.

        I look at the ceiling in my room, as my mind wanders back to that horrid day. My arms and legs lay by my sides, they could not move if I wanted to. My body aches, I am not sure if it is because of the guilt I feel or if I really am unwell. My raven hair is cascading over the sheets of the bed, like a river in a valley. I stare at the ceiling, for seconds.

Minutes

Hours?

Possibly days

        I just lay on the bed and stare, and count the cracks in the ceiling and the beams holding up the glorious structure that is our home. I count them again, I sigh and wince. It hurts to breathe, there are the same amount of cracks and beams as there always has been.

57 cracks

20 beams

        I clutch the blankets, hard enough so there is a ball in my hands. Though not hard enough to whiten my pale knuckles. My breathing is slow, calm. It stays that way until I close my eyes. Then... I see it... it returns to my mind like a whirlwind. Once I open my eyes, the memory fades as quickly as it came. I look to my right, Loki's back is to me and he is sleeping peacefully. His breathing is slow and quiet. I watch, as the lungs is his body causes his back to expand and deflate. I look back to the ceiling, I have become envious of his peaceful rest. I count again.

57 cracks

20 beams

        I become bored, I look to my left and see the curtains to the balcony flowing softly in the wind. The doors to the balcony are open, I can see the Asgardian night sky through them. The darkness of the night covers this great city, while a blanket of stars peek through the dark. As if the stars were daylight, trying to get a good glimpse at the night. I pull myself out of the bed to get a closer look at it. I carefully slide out, making sure I do not wake Loki. The cold floor bites my feet as I walk to the the balcony, making my hold back a shiver. I get to the balcony and place my thin hands on the thick stone railing and place my weight on the heels of my palms. I look down at my feet, the skin that holds the flesh of my feet is pale. I can see the tendons stretching from each toe, though my foot and connect to my ankle. I lift my head from my feet and stare into the beautiful night sky. I look at the beautiful place that I have called home for such a long time.

        I turn around, keeping one of my hands on the railing, I see Loki still sleeping soundly in out bed. I sigh and slowly walk to the bathroom, walking across the floor. It no longer bites my feet, I close the door of the bathroom as quietly as possible. I turn on the light, putting my hands on the counter and standing there for a while. I rake one of my hands through my hair and look in the mirror. I do not know the person staring back at me. I see the skin on this woman's face is pale, her cheeks are so hollow the bones in them look razor sharp. This woman's eyes are practically black, and the eyes are sunken into her head causing the dark rims around her eyes look even darker. I though I was healthy, but the woman staring at my looks gravely ill. I turn around and take off my shirt, I examine my back. I can see every single, individual vertebrae in my back. See my shoulder blades more clearly than I have ever been able to. The skin covering my back is so thin, I think I can see the bones trying to break out of my skin. I turn back around and see my once curved hips are nothing but bones, then skin out of my skin far. I all the sudden feel a sense of nausea come over me. I breathe deeply and it passes, I cough. I feel something come out of my mouth, I look at my sleeve. My eyes widen, it's not flem or any other thing you would see when your sick, its blood. I look at my face in the mirror, and I see the blood on my lips. I look even more pale than I was a few seconds ago.

Something is not right.... 

        I have to tell Loki, I have to call Nick. Then something hits me, perhaps I feel insane and keep having those dreams because of my PTSD. I sigh in relief, now that I have some understanding as to what is wrong with me mentally. I need to know what is wrong with me physically. I walk out of the bathroom and walk over to Loki's side of the bed. I say his name and shake him until he wakes. He tries to rub the sleep out of his eyes, he then looks at me with his tired icy blue eyes. He sees the blood on my mouth, worry becomes the dominate emotion on his face. He sits up and puts a hand on my face. "What wrong my love?" He asks.

"Can you call Nick?" I ask him, "Something is going on and I had no clue what it is."

        He nods and goes to call Nick, I hold my breathe. I feel panic and worry run through my blood. I stay sitting on my bed and stare at the floor. He comes back and sits next to me, wrapping one of his arms around me and kissing my temple. I sigh, "What is wrong?" He asks, taking one of my hands in his. I shake my head and look up at him, for once in my life I do not know what to tell him. "I haven't the slightest idea."

        I feel fragile, broken and defeated all at once. What is happening to me?