a beautiful accident (a dan howell/phil lester story)

prologue - the months before

Dan sits in his bathroom, a look of pure shock and fear on his facial features. In his hands, lies a slim white tube, with a tiny pink plus on it. He blinks, and a tear falls down his face. He can hear Phil shuffling around their flat, as Phil was getting ready to head to Louise's to film a video for her channel. 

"This can't be," He whispers, his heart tugging in his chest

For a few weeks now, Dan's been doing nothing but vomiting, and somehow still managing to gain weight, even though he can't keep any food down. Dan wasn't too worried, he just figured it was some type of stomach bug. Phil was worried, but Dan always downplayed it so Phil wouldn't freak out on him and force him to a hospital. 

Dan takes a deep breath, deciding what his next move is. He knows Phil would love to be a father, and the two have been together for 9 years, if you don't count the year 2012 where they decided to call it quits after Dan was having some internalized homophobia after Phil's fans started stalking him and his brother, Adrian, which completely destroyed their brotherly bond. 

(In this, Dan is not a huge YouTuber in this like in real life, he works with youth groups and underprivileged children and teens, specifically LGBT youth. His channel is basically one big Internet Support Group. I also want to note that this is the only time I will mention Adrian.)

But Dan also knows how badly this could destroy Phil's growing career, now that Phil is branching out to older audiences and moving away from the preteen audiences. Phil doesn't mentally need a baby right now, as Phil is planning to do touring, and expects Dan to be apart of that adventure. But Dan can't tour pregnant. Not physically. Nor emotionally. He's already insecure as is with his body, he can't imagine the torment internet trolls will give him when they see his belly. 

He feels his eyes well back up with tears, but he forces them back in, hides the test, and walks back into the bedroom to pretend nothing is wrong. 

~

"I'll be back later," Phil says, giving Dan a quick kiss

Dan holds him there longer, as he's made a choice that will destroy Phil, and he wants to remember Phil's happy face for the time-being. He watches as Phil leaves the flat, after a quick "I love you," and he feels his heart shatter. 

That's the last "I love you" he's ever going to hear again. 

Dan turns to walk into his bedroom, and packs up whatever he can. He does this with tears streaming down his face, as he's literally leaving his heart and soul behind. He thinks about how much Phil is going to hate him for this, how much he's going to hurt, how confused he's going to be when he comes back and most of Dan's stuff is gone. 

Dan decides to leave a few things behind, as he doesn't feel right taking them from Phil. These things range from gifts to photos to awards. He lets Phil have the original first-editions of their books, as it was Phil's idea in the first place to write them. He can always buy copies from the shop. He scans his old bedroom for the last time, before sitting on their bed and writing out a note that he knew would break his love's heart. 

"Dear Phil, 

By the time you're reading this, I will be gone. And I am so sorry that this has to happen.

I want you to know this has nothing to do with you. I haven't fallen out of love with you, or found someone else. Because I will always love you, and I can't imagine loving another. This is for your own good, for your career's sake, for your sake. 

I know you will hate me for leaving, and you have good reason too. I can't blame you for the vengeance you'll feel towards me. I just hope you know I'm not doing this to hurt you, although I know it will. I'm doing this because I love you and I care about you.

One day, I will return. When that day will be, I can't tell you. But you will be in my heart and I will always be thinking of you and checking on you. I love you, and although this is the end, I want to thank you for these amazing 10 years. You have no idea how much you truly mean to me, and you have no idea how much you've changed my life for the better. You are my world, and you will remain the sun. 

Maybe one day we can go to the way we were. And if not, that's okay. 

Sorry for the wet spots on the paper. 

With all the love in the world,

Bear." 

He wipes away his tears, grabs his bags, and rests the note on the bed, with Dan's key to the flat on it. He takes a deep breath, and walks out of his old life, and he doesn't know where to start his new life. 

~

Dan wished Phil was there for it all. 

The first kick, the first sonogram, the first heartbeat, the gender reveal, the first Braxton-Hick contraction, the first odd craving, for every monthly update. He wishes Phil experienced that with him. 

And it's his own fault that Phil couldn't be there.

After Dan left, he eventually had to change his number, because Phil wouldn't stop calling and texting. He deleted social media, and made his life as private as it could get. He'd still upload to YouTube, but all his videos were above the shoulders. He couldn't let Phil or the fans see his growing bump, where Dan and Phil's little girl rested. 

His mother was highly disappointed in him for leaving, but eventually came around to accept Dan's decision. His parents harbored him in their house for a few months, before Dan purchased his own one-bedroom apartment, a few hours out of London. His new home was cute, but he always felt that missing piece. 

But Dan especially wished Phil was there when his water broke on October 15th, 2018. The pain, oh the pain, that's all he could remember. Their baby came right on time, but Dan was still surprised when he went into labor. He delivered their daughter at a birthing center for males, and with the help of many amazing midwives who specialized in his condition, he pushed out a healthy little girl. It was a 32 hour endeavor, and finally, his daughter was born October 17th, at 3:31am. 

Rosalie Michelle weighed 7 pounds 6 ounces, and measured at 19 inches long. She came into the world screaming, but it was music to Dan's ears. She calmed as soon as the midwife that delivered her placed the baby on his chest, as she recognized her father's scent. 

After they cleaned her off, he finally got a good look at her. She had Phil's eyes, Dan's eye color, Phil's nose and mouth, Dan's dimples, and Dan's cheekbones. All-in-all, she was all Phil. And although he loved her more than himself, he was heartbroken. 

Dan raised Rosie alone, sometimes with the help of his mother, who came to watch her so Dan could get alone time. She wasn't a hard baby to raise, she really only cried when she needed too, and developed Dan's sleeping habits. 

To this day, Dan actively checks Phil's social media, to make sure his Lion was okay. And he knows he's not okay, but his fans don't need to know that. Phil puts up a very good facade for the fans, but Dan knows he's secretly struggling, from what fan's have said when they've met Phil. 

Dan plans to come back, but he doesn't know when.

But sometimes you never get that chance to decide.