Son: Dad, its so cold in here!
Father: Go stand in the corner.
Son: Why?
Father: The corner is 90 degrees.
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Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8? Student: Miss horizontally or vertically? Teacher: What do mean? Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.
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Dear Maths, Please grow up now and solve you problems yourself.
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Teacher: Your behaviour reminds me of square root of 2? Student: Why? Teacher: Because its’ completely irrational.
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If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my math class: it would seem so much longer
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..and then the devil said, "Lets put the alphabet into mathematics."
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An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions. They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where were at?" After a few moments the jogger responds, "Youre in a hot-air balloon." The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician." The jogger, shocked, responds, "yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?" "Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless."
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"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague. "Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."
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Why was the math textbook so sad? He had a lot of problems!
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What happened to the plant in math class? It grew square roots.
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What did one math book say to the other math book? "I dont know about you man, but I got a lot of problems!"
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A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and hes lost. So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:"Can you tell me where I am, and which way Im headed?" "Sure! Youre at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. Youre at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, youre hovering, but on your way in here you were at a speed of 1.83 meters per second at 1.929 radians" "Thanks! By the way, are you a statistician?" "I am! But how did you know?" "Everything youve told me is completely accurate; you gave me more detail than I needed, and you told me in such a way that its no use to me at all!" "Dang! By the way, are you a principal investigator?" "Geeze! Howd you know that?" "You dont know where you are, you dont know where youre going. You got where you are by blowing hot air, you start asking questions after you get into trouble, and youre in exactly the same spot you were a few minutes ago, but now, somehow, its my fault!"
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Did you hear about the mathematician with constipation ? He had to work it out with a pencil...
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How to Hunt Elephants -- Math style Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate students.
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How I see math word problems: If you have 4 pencils and 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof? Purple, because aliens dont wear hats.
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Theorem: e=1 Proof:2*e = f2^(2*pi*i)e^(2*pi*i) = f^(2*pi*i)e^(2*pi*i) = 1 Therefore:2^(2*pi*i) = f^(2*pi*i)2=f Thus:e=1
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A chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore. The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener..."
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What is the shortest mathematicians joke? Let epsilon be smaller than zero.
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Q. What mode do you use in maths? A. Multi-plyers.
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Analysis:1. Differentiate it and put into the fridge. Then integrate it in the fridge.2. Redefine the measure on the refrigerator (or the elephant).3. Apply the Banach-Tarsky theorem. Number theory:1. First factorize, second multiply.2. Use induction. You can always squeeze a bit more in. Algebra:1. Step 1. Show that the parts of it can be put into the fridge. Step 2. Show that the fridge. is closed under the addition.2. Take the appropriate universal refrigerator and get a surjection from refrigerator to elephant. Topology:1. Have it swallow the fridge. and turn inside out.2. Make a fridge. with the Klein bottle.3. The elephant is homeomorphic to a smaller elephant.4. The elephant is compact, so it can be put into a finite collection of refrigerators. That's usually good enough.5. The property of being inside the refrigerator is hereditary. So, take the elephant's mother, cremate it, and show that the ashes fit inside the refrigerator.6. For those who object to method 3 because it's cruel to animals. Put the elephant's BABY in the refrigerator. Algebraic topology:Replace the interior of the refrigerator by its universal cover, R^3. Linear algebra:1. Put just its basis and span it in the fridge.2. Show that 1% of the elephant will fit inside the refrigerator. By linearity, x% will fit for any x. Affine geometry:There is an affine transformation putting the elephant into the refrigerator. Set theory:1. It's very easy! Refrigerator = { elephant } 2) The elephant and the interior of the refrigerator both have cardinality c. Geometry:Declare the following:Axiom 1. An elephant can be put into a refrigerator. Complex analysis:Put the fridge. at the origin and the elephant outside the unit circle. Then get the image under the inversion. Numerical analysis:1. Put just its trunk and refer the rest to the error term.2. Work it out using the Pentium. Statistics:1. Bright statistician. Put its tail as a sample and say "Done. "2. Dull statistician. Repeat the experiment pushing the elephant to the fridge.3. Our NEW study shows that you CAN'T put the elephant in the refrigerator."
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