14th AUG 1916
France: Day 136
I've never had demons like the ones I have living in my head at this present time. There's one that screams and makes my head pound, there's another that replays memories that I wish with everything I didn't have to remember, there's the one that has its finger resting on the trigger of my rifle that's positioned under my chin and that one that tells me I shouldn't pull it, it tells me I'm worthless and pathetic, so it tortures me every day.
What kind of a pathetic man sits against a mound of dirt, smoking a cigarette with his eyes closed contemplating whether to keep living?
They say suicide is a sin, that you're going against god's will and if you do it you'll fall into the devils hands. Anything is better than living like this.
Dogger said; "it's all in your conscience, so if you kill yourself you aren't even remotely going to rid yourself of the demons. You're fighting a war so you can fight your thoughts."
Can I though?
Diary what would Elsie say? Is she waiting for me, so we can go home and be together forever. As if she wants to marry a broken, angry, lunatic of a man like me.
Well, I guess we'll see what happens.
Seeya soon diary.
Clancy Taylor.
-
Rain pelts against the tin that I hold over my shaking body. I'm sitting in mud, a cigarette lodged in my fingers and an unhappy thought in my mind. My body aches, only five minutes before I fell into a seizure. This seizures are become a common thing, I have a least one every hour.
"That's the way, keep sucking on the cigarette." Blue drapes my coat around my shoulder.
"I can't keep living like this boys, it'll kill me before I kill myself." I sob.
"Clancy don't be silly." Dogger tells me firmly. "These thoughts your having are only going to get out of your head if you push them out."
"They're so consuming Dogger! Some nights I wake up screaming, my throat is raw and eyes hot, I've never felt like this before." I cry, tears streaming down my face.
"Clancy calm down mate, we're all in the same boat. This is the lowest I've been for a long time." Dogger says.
"We all just want to go home," Spud states, "but we'll all just have to persevere with it all."
"He's having seizures boys. There so much more to this than just thoughts and the will to live. I think you've gotta go to the CCS." Ned sighs, shaking his head with a frown.
"I don't want to."
"They won't let him go, there's nothing physically wrong with him." Dogger explains.
"But there is! There so obviously is!" Ned almost screams. "He sweats like he's in a furnish, he screams like he's in one too, he's so pale, his eyes are dark and heavy, there is something so obviously wrong it would take an idiot to think there wasn't."
"We know that there's something wrong but the medics won't." Pete says.
"I will go down there, dragging him if I have to, I will stand in front of them and fucking punch their lights out to get him on that transport. He needs to see someone." Ned sinks to the ground, his head in his hands.
"I'm not going to the bloody CCS!" I yell.
"Don't be stupid." Blue scoffs.
"Elsie can not see me like this," I say, "she wouldn't know what to do."
"You'd be surprised. They always know what to do mate." Dogger sighs sympathetically.
"I don't want her to see me like this." I hang my head.
"Why not?" Pete asks.
"Because I'm the strong one, I'm meant to be the one who gets us out of here the same way we went in." I say.
Ned scoffs, "you're the one that wanted to come. Now be a man and get your arse to that fucking transport!"
I rise to my feet, I grab my diary, my water bottle and my hat. I shake the hands of my mates and they all follow me out to the truck. My chin was so low I'm surprised it wasn't dragging on the ground.
"Connor O'Leary, blow me down." Ned rushes forward and shakes the hand of our Irish mate.
"What's going on fellas?" He grins happily.
Tom explains everything to Connor, from the night we lost Dave to the fit I'd boy had a few hours ago. Connor sighs, he knows exactly how I'm feeling and without a second thought he agrees to drop me at the CCS.
"I'll guard him with my life," he says, "nothing will happen to him I promise."
"We'll be right here waiting for you when you come back." Ned tells me, hugging me.
"I'll be back soon boys." I whisper before stepping into the back of the truck.
"He'll be fine Ned, I've seen worse cases than his." Connor reassures as the engine revs.
I sit beside a wounded man, his eyes dark and cold.
"Daniel Elliot," he greets, snapping me out of my stare.
"Clancy Taylor." I reply.
"The misses will love this, she'll be able to tell all her friends down at the general store as soon as she finds out." He chuckles.
"What happened?"
"I sat on a bomb, or more it sat on me, landed straight on my legs." Daniel laughs, "not my smartest seating position."
I crack a smile, drawing my eyes away from his mangled legs.
Daniel asks, "Where you from Clancy?"
"Kununurra, Western Australia, you?"
"Townsville, Queensland, my Dad and Uncle run a property up there before they were killed. I've lived there since I was three. My sister went to university studied to be a nurse so my brother and I stayed back to manage the farm." Dan explains.
"My parents have a property as well, Echo Valley station, I've got a twin brother I don't know if you saw him, and a little brother and sister, mum and dad been there since before we were born." I say.
I'm taken back to the months spent without our friends. Elsie, Tom and Mary would trek off to Perth for Uni and we were left on the station. We'd visit them when we had the money but it got tight after a while and we ended up having to wait for them to get home.
"It's a pleasure to meet you Clancy." Dan shakes my hand.
"And you mate," I say, "and you."
YOU ARE READING
The Echo Of Youth
Fiksi Sejarah"I didn't realise that I could miss something as much as I miss my innocence." It's 1914, the world is at war, and it's unlike anything anyone has seen before. The men of cities and country towns are leaving for a cause much bigger than they realis...
