Poems

Ten Easy Steps to Becoming Beautiful

A Girl’s Ten Easy Steps to Becoming Beautiful

1. If you want to be beautiful, the first thing you have to do is forget that you ever were an individual. That’s right, relinquish your personality, your intelligence, your opinions, and basically the rest of your identity. Hell, even give up your name. You are now It, the blank slate that will become the prototype for perfection. Lovely.  Let’s move on to the aesthetics, shall we, because that’s all beauty is, is it not?

2. Now, since the nasty business of you having any sense of self has been corrected, we must consider any and all distinguishing aspects of your appearance. Let us begin with the simplest: your height and weight. The most beautiful height is exactly 5 ft. 5 7/18 in. If you are not this height, I highly recommend receiving height altering surgery before you attempt the remainder of this protocol, or all your work will be for naught. When you have fixed the mishap with your height, please step on a scale. We suggest using the product, SKINNY IS TOO FAT. The handy thing about this scale, is that instead of measuring your weight in pounds, it simply tells you if you need to lose more weight. It takes futile guessing out of the picture. For example, if the scale says, “LOSE WEIGHT, YOU OBESE WHALE,” then you must stop eating substantial amounts of food. You must stick to a stringent diet of ice chips and celery. But you must make sure you throw it up as soon as you’re done eating. You will know you are the correct weight when the scale says “CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE EMACIATED!” and when you look at your naked body in the mirror, you see the attractive lines of internal organs and bones.

3. With your general body shape out of the way, we will now focus on more specific features. First, since you have reached the ideal weight, your breasts are no longer beautiful. To remedy this, you have multiple options. You can either undergo breast enhancement surgery, wear excessively padded bras, or take a range of artificial hormone pills. A trademark of true beauty, is the thigh gap. If becoming emaciated did not produce a thigh gap, you can always remove vital parts of your thighs with surgery, or if you’re feeling particularly thrifty, a butcher knife from your kitchen. Just make sure you sanitize the knife and properly bandage the finished product. Another essential part of being beautiful, is having sun-kissed skin. If you happen to be pasty, you should definitely spend enough time in a tanning salon to contract skin cancer. Nothing says “gorgeous” like a leathery, tangerine-toned hide and chemotherapy in ten years.

4. The first part of you viewed and judged for beauty, by people you will never see again, is your face. Before we discuss cosmetics, we must first make sure that your face is as perfect as can be (even though it will never be seen underneath coats of paint). If you have any birthmarks or freckles, you must remove them at once. We have found that grapefruit spoons work just as well as laser surgery; the nifty things both serrade the skin and scoop out the imperfection. If your nose is not perfectly centered, straight, or narrow, go get plastic surgery now. The ideal nose should be small and geometric, symmetrical. Speaking of symmetry, if your entire face is not symmetrical, you must pick the side that is less distinguishable and create a mold to replace the other half of your face with. Lips, as well as eyes, are especially important in your quest for perfection. Your lips should be plump, wide, and bright red. Imagine what they would look like covered in bee stings, and try to emulate that, whether with botox, lip plumper, lipstick, lip liner, etc, etc. To have beautiful eyes, they must be pale blue (if your eyes differ, buy colored contacts), and be surrounded by a forest of long, black eyelashes (we recommend falsies or extensions if your eyelashes are as sparse as a desert). You might as well just wax off your entire eyebrows and pencil in perfect ones, because we know without even seeing them that they are hideous. Lastly, if you happen to have acne, rub that shit off with sandpaper until you are raw and bleeding. Do this everyday, as eventually the scars will prevent new pimples from forming. Acne is the Devil’s playmate.

5. Ahh. Makeup. The secret to everlasting youth (besides Botox). This step is actually really simple. All you have to do is look up pictures of the Kardashians, the Jersey Shore girls, the Housewives, that Nicki Minaj girl, clowns, and raccoons. Now, mix all these picture together. The end product is exactly how you want to do your makeup. You must make sure you never leave your house, even if it is a middle of the night run to the store or you’re going to the gym, without putting on all of your makeup.

6. Moving on to the hygienic portion of beauty. Besides the hair on your head and your eyelashes, your body should be completely devoid of hair. Shedding is hideous, not to mention you’ll look like a barbaric monkey. So lather on the wax and chemical hair remover, slide those razors against your skin, and rage war on those little strands. Burns, rashes, and cuts are only temporary. Look at your hands. Do you see those stubby, torn obscenities you call nails? At once, you must hide them with acrylic or formaldehyde containing lacquer. The final result should yield you not being able to distinguish where your real nail is. Remember, beauty is artificial. What is more elegant, white or faded, murky yellow? Obviously the answer is white, so shouldn’t this also hold true for your teeth? If your teeth do not blind people as you talk, you must brush with bleach twice a day until your gums stop bleeding each time and your stomach becomes accustomed to the torture.

7. As any truly beautiful person would tell you, perfect hair is a must. After careful research on our part, we have come to the conclusion that the most attractive hair color is Honey Blonde with Platinum Undertones #173456. Any other color is simply hideous. You hair should be completely absent of frizz, and should have exactly three waves. It should be exactly 21 3/17 inches long. To maintain this measurement, you will have to trim your hair every day, before you douse it with chemicals and heat it to near burning.

8. Now that we have built your perfect body, we may attend to your actions. If you want to be beautiful, you must also act beautiful. This extends to every aspect of your life. Think, “Will this be ugly?” before every thing you do. For example, unless it is a high pitched giggle, you are not to laugh. Nothing says ugly like snorting and loud laughter. Master control over your bodily functions. You are not to pee, poop, burp, fart, hiccup, or sneeze. You will become accustomed to the feeling of being pressurized soon enough. Remember: think “beautiful” before you act.

9. Do you recall from the first step, surrendering your intellect? Well, now you are to replace it with stupidity. From this point on, you are not to understand what any word longer than two syllables means and the answer to anything more complicated than 2 plus 2. Men love helping stupid, beautiful women; they have nothing better to do with their lives. The only pieces of literature you will read will be fashion magazines and celebrity gossip; Cosmo and Seventeen are great starts if you are still in school. Always know you are a helpless, clueless, beautiful, damsel in distress.  

10. Pay close attention, this step is the most important as well as the most difficult. Burn this list and every one like it. Reclaim your identity, reclaim your stolen self. Every flaw and glitch you have comprise the magnificent creature that you are. What is your name? Do you even know it anymore? Curve your lips around the letters and say it. Say your name. Take your name and fill it with the most stripped down version of you. You are more than this list. You are more than some facade so many girls emulate. Take the carbon copy I see before me and toss it into the fire. Now, bask in the heat and feel proud of the way you look in the morning, sandy-eyed and drool-faced. Feel proud of your intelligence, your opinions. Feel proud that you are the most beautiful person. Because, vulnerable and unadulterated, I believe you are absolutely stunning. When I see you, actually see you, I see a miracle of nature. Have courage and see yourself.