Dear diary,
2. Love/relationships
Love has always been the central motivation, passion and driving force in me. It took me many years to really understand Love and relationships, but my passion for Love and human connections was so great that later my understanding of people and relationships would even become my profession and life mission.
Little did I know that in spite of all the learning, experimenting and teaching, Love had still great mysteries to reveal to my thirsty soul.
But let us start from the beginning. As I said in my previous entry, sexuality found its way into my life very early, way before Love did. This is only normal as Love never rushes.
I remember my first affective feelings around my 14 years of age. By then I was already very good at reading and understanding people, especially women, since they interested me the most.
So it was quite easy for my friends to open and share with me about their crushes, their lovers or their experiences. And, by then, most of my feminine friends were not so impressed with men. Actually for most of the ones who had already tried to have sex, they had it as a quite painful - or at least uninteresting - experience. Non of them had even reached an orgasm on their first time.
All these reports brought a firm inner decision into me. The first time of my beloved would be an exceptional one.
And in many ways it was. I started dating her when i was 15 and only 2 years later (old ways, i know) we finally agreed to take the big step. It was the end of high school so we went on a trip to an island with the graduates. And there, at night, on a beautiful hotel room, we didn't rush at all.
In fact, we took great time for romance, caresses, sharing, playing and exciting each other. It took a long time for the natural nervousness of both virgins to fade away; but finally, helped also by tiredness, we finally relaxed enough to actually make love.
There were many preliminaries and great building up so that this would be a moment to remember forever as perfect. And as the sun was rising out in the window, shinning poetically above the ocean, we made love for the first time. And for the second. And third. And we both had great pleasure and it was a beautiful memory for us.
Now, we were quite conscious teenagers, so we did use a condom. But when we concluded our love marathon and we finally decided to take the protective rubber out, it was ripped off. Totally gone.
And so the ecstasy turned very fast into panic, the joy became fear and the great memory that we were building was on the verge of becoming a trauma. Great and poetic first time... yeah right! We were not ready for babies and our parents would kill us. We didn't know what to do!
The panic lasted for a few weeks until we got back and managed to go to a doctor and take a pregnancy test: all was fine, thank God!
And I say God even though at this point of my life I was a fully devoted atheist.
I could only believe what i could see and experiment for myself, I was too smart for silly fairy tales. I was definitely too intelligent to be brainwashed as some people around me were.
This, of course, until something profoundly strange and disturbing happened directly to me. Something that i could see and experiment and feel.. but yet my skeptical mind would never be able to explain it.
As this letter is already quite long, sweet diary, i will continue tomorrow.
Love,
Joe
