Dear diary,
Today is such an amazing beautiful day. It is so inspiring for me to live with so many creative and even genius people!
Few of the guys I live with rented a new place in the city centre, so for the last days I moved to the capital with them to give a hand with arranging the space, painting, decorating, etc. There is still a lot to do, but we are working on it and I can already tell it will be a very special place! I feel like a child again, constructing something new. My body hurts and is tired, but my soul is ecstatic!
My last entries were very liberating for me. It is truly magical how things crystallise inside when they are finally spoken (or written) out. Thank you for taking the time and having the patience to read me, even when my way of being might be very strange or different than the usual.
But hold tight, it will get much stranger than this.
So where were we? Ah yes.. the life altering life experience which brought me a great realisation that lead me to find purpose and to the amazing journey that life has been since then. Here we go.
As I mentioned before, my first lover and I were together for 8 years. From my 15 until around my 23 years of age. I loved her deeply, and she loved me. After high-school we both went from our small little town to the big city of Lisbon. Although each of us had their own place, I was mostly in her house and we were practically living together.
Not only were we lovers, we were also great friends. Very rarely would we argue, we had deep trust and respect for each other. So everything seemed perfect. By all means and measures we were the perfect couple and everybody (including me) was already guessing the next steps in life: Conclude university, get a good job, get married, build a family... the whole thing, "just like our parents did".
But slowly i noticed that something was not right for me. One day as I arrived from the classes to her house, she was sitting in the sofa eating something and watching TV. I said hello, we shared a little kiss and I sat next to her... eating something and watching TV.
There and then something slowly dawned upon me. Something that had maybe been there for a while but I wouldn't think about it, or I didn't want to see it.
We were not a young couple of 23 years of age. We had slowly but surely grown into a boring worn out couple, behaving just like 2 old people sitting there, waiting for death to come. Our life was a total routine, we had long ago exhausted the initial passion, our sexual activity was down to one or 2 times per month, sometimes less. I was not excited to meet her, she was not even looking at me when I arrived home, there was no juice, no passion, no joy and no life in us. We were just boring together.
And yes, I had heard all those tings about passion being ephemeral, and that true love and friendship is what really lasts. Boy oh boy did I not feel like that! I never accepted that passion, excitement and daily ecstasy should go away. That could not be true.
For me, to live a routine life, where everything was predictable and 'safe' (in my world 'safe' was another word for boring and dead. Life should not be safe, it should be enchanting and amazing!) meant that there was no life. There was only existing.
Well, gladly I was alive inside. And I really wanted to live, to explore, to experience, to try everything that my heart desired, why not?
So this moment, when I realised where my path was heading, became like a defibrillating shock that brought me back to life.
The decision was made, for sure I was not gonna live like that. No compromises, no fear. Either our relationship would change and become a volcano of passion, or I would change myself and go on to another direction.
Me and my lover were great friends, so we talked about all this in an open and loving way; she totally understood my direction and we really tried to re-ignite the passion but, long story short, we didn't manage.
After few months we finally accepted the obvious. We loved each other dearly, but we were not in love anymore. The candle had burned out and we didn't even see it coming. When we realised it, it was already too late.
We had no idea how to keep or re-ignite the flame, nobody taught us. So, with great sadness, but also fresh excitement, we put an end to it. We became (still today) just the good friends that we were.
And this firm decision was what opened the door for the afore mentioned big revelation.
Until my 23rd year of life I was following what everybody felt was the 'normal' way to live. But now, after this liberating decision - and painful but needed break up - I was suddenly fresh again.
I had no idea what would happen, or what my life would be. So many possibilities ahead... i felt alive again, not knowing, not planning, simply open for whatever life would bring me.
And wow, did life respond accordingly! What came after was something that even in my wildest dreams I would not be able to imagine.
You see I had just broken up with my first and only girlfriend, until then. I had never been with another woman, and being single at 23 after 8 years of life together felt like I would not want a relationship again any time soon.
I thought I would want to explore the pleasures of the body, have some affairs and get the most of out of my recently acquired freedom.
Well, something I learned is that when you are open, and you don't contract or resist, life will always bring you huge surprises. Things you could never had planned yourself, but that come very naturally if you just align with the Universal flow.
Little did I know that I was soon to be again in a Love relationship. And not only with one girl, but with two... at the same time...!
How did I end up in such a rare situation? Well I can tell you that it came as much as a surprise to me as it is probably coming now to you.
I will share it next time. Thank you for reading me.
Love,
Joe
