Dear diary,
3. Purpose/Spirituality
Inside me there was always a certain something. It was quite hard to explain so, until now, I never did. This is the first time I will put this into words, and it is not easy, so please bear with me. You see, ever since I was a child I always felt I was special.
Not special in a sense of being smarter or stronger. I just felt like i was more free than anyone around me. This is quite tricky to explain, but I will try my best to make some sense of it. What I mean is that I was always free to live anything, any experience, any idea, any opinion, without staying 'stuck' to it.
For me, any experience was merely that. An experience. And I recall how surprised I was when I realised that others didn't have the same "freedom". Most people around me, as I discovered, remained stuck to their experiences/ideas/opinions.
For instance, I never quite identified myself with any particular point of view. So when the moment came to discuss some issue between friends, I was totally free to choose any side of the discussion, or change side if I agreed with the opposition's argument.
My logic seemed very intelligent to me: if someone was disagreeing with me and at a point it became clear that the other person's argument is more valid than mine, why would I not agree with it?
I mean, if some guy having an argument with me is right and I don't take his side, that would mean that I'm wrong and I want to continue to be wrong. And I surely don't want that. So for me was easy to see, to understand and to adopt a new (and many times fascinating) perspective. I would even be happy and grateful to the person who showed me this new perspective that I could not see before. I felt enriched.
But for most people around me, as I discovered over the years, they preferred to remain wrong than to agree with a truth that is not fitting their opinions or ideas - the kind of opinions or ideas that they are 'stuck' to.
And thus, sadly, I had to witness again and again my friends and family suffer due to this being 'stuck' on something.
Too confusing? I will give you an unpopular example: For instance, someone would like a football club, and if somebody proved with a good argument that another club is better, or played better at a certain match, they would not agree and they would be totally hurt or even angry with the person who brought up the very good argument and facts.
This was totally amazing for me. A game where a bunch of millionaires are playing with a ball would become determinant to this person's happiness.
Well, my happiness was (and remains) totally and unconditionally free from any silly game that I play or watch. I never gave any of these things enough importance as to allow them to affect my inner state.
And what has this to do with purpose or spirituality? Well surprisingly more than you would imagine. You see, I am - and I have always been - a seeker of Truth. What really interests me is to discover what is the Truth and how can I know it. How can I live It. How can I be It.
What I really long for is to know and discover Who am I in reality.
And I noticed that most people define who they are by the things they are 'stuck' to. They say they are this name someone gave them, a student in this course, a fan of this club, a supporter of certain political party, the lover of a certain person.
They even define who they are according to their opinions on a huge variety of subjects or ideas. And if you 'attack' that subject or idea, they immediately feel it as a personal attack. Because for them, that is part of who they are.
But I was not stuck to anything in particular. I had no interest for football, politics, for my nerdy computer engineering course, my ideas, my opinions, relationships... for me, all these were things I had, not things I was.
And for me was clear that if my name changed, if my football preference changed, if my ideas changed, if my lover left me... i would still feel inside as being... well... me. So who could I be?
Sweet diary, if I managed to make some sense until now, i hope you can empathise with the dilemma I had: Everybody was 'something'. I was nothing in particular - which in fact meant that I could be just about anything.
So who was I? And what was I to do? Why was I here?
And these questions are at the base of most spiritual systems in the planet, and spiritual paths were designed to bring us to the answers. To our purpose.
And for me this became a very serious drama inside: was there some purpose to this whole life or was it all just a pointless race: grow up, study, get work, get love, marry, have children, work more, make money, buy things, get old, die.
Was that it?
For me that could not be it at all. I was sure that there was something more. And as fate had it, my life would become its own proof of this truth.
I was soon to encounter the one of the great revelations of my life. A revelation that later brought me on a path of self investigation and soul discovery that would finally bring some real meaning and purpose to my existence.
Who could imagine that I would explore the answers to all my questions through the very thing that, at the time, most interested me?
That little huge thing called Love.
Love,
Joe
