Dear diary,
I notice that even though this is an anonymous diary, knowing that there is an actual person reading me makes me kind of choose my words and the ways I share myself. I feel I hesitate to be truthful. Like I want to control what you will think of me.
I don't want this. I want to be transparent and open. Please forgive me and have some patience as i find my way into a more and more intimate and real communication. I will remove this protective shell by simply going directly to where it 'hurts' the most.
I can tell you right away that the topics that I am more hesitant to share are also the most important in my life: sexuality, love/relationships and purpose/spirituality. So i will break the ice today by sharing a little bit about them.
1. Sexuality
In this life I usually say that since I was around seven years old I knew all there is to know about sexuality (in theory). And I realised this area of life contained a huge power, the power to make uncomfortable all the adults around me. For me it was very natural to talk about sex; noticing the adults manifested huge shame and inhibitions when I asked certain questions on the forbidden topic, this became a fun game for me.
My practical explorations started at age 9, with a pretty neighbour of mine, with who I enjoyed my very first orgasm by simply rubbing our bodies together, with our clothes on.
I was always fascinated by the human mind and emotions. People and the way they function inside was what interested me the most. Sexuality and my inborn naturalness and lack of shame with it gave me a great deal of ease to approach and understand people beyond the surface.
Be as it may, my first real sexual experience was deeply connected to love. I lost my virginity only at 17, with my first love. It was perfect. Well... almost perfect.
I will share this on the next topic tomorrow.
Love,
Joe
