His parting words to me were beautifully bittersweet but that was before everything happened. Before they became so devastating that they tore my heart and soul apart, not ever to be mended again. He told me "You know I'll always love you, right, Va...
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I sense that I am slowly letting go. That I'm growing less in love with you every single day. I think that's the most difficult thing about losing someone you've loved, the way you feel never really dies all at once. All you can do is wait and watch it turn to dust one day at a time.
But it can't be real...
Yet their are some days where my memory of Austin becomes fussy. When I can no longer remember the exact color of his vibrant green eyes. Or perhaps it's the day I can't remember how his laugh felt when my head rested against his chest. Maybe it was the day Austin's heart stopped beating.
I'm sitting inside a beautiful black Bugatti. With a charming bad boy. The dream of any normal girl.
Except I'm not a normal girl, I have come to the point where I need a stronger word than the word 'fuck'.
Zake has tried making friendly conversation. I do my best to keep a genuine smile. It's not that hard. Zake is easy to talk to. I could get used to this. Being with a boy who has a strange name. Who is charming and amusing. With rich parents. Going to charity galas. Holding his hand, smiling.
But... then I remember. Ocean green eyes. The depth in that ocean. The beauty. The roses. And death. Scars and wings always come after.
When we arrive at our destination Zake opens my door. I feel his hand rest on my back softly. I walk feeling insecure trying to remember a time when things were different. When I had all the security in the world.
Zake can sense I'm nervous because he says "Hey, Vanessa don't be nervous. Tell me when you're ready and we'll go in."
I take a deep breath "I'm ready."
We walk in.
I belong I whisper. But I feel as if everyone knew, the look of a broken girl, me.
I'm okay. I'm okay. Okay.
I'm not okay. No.
Zake squeezes my hand in reassurance. He keeps me grounded so I don't drift away into the darkness. I close my eyes for a second. I can't make out Austin's face in my memory. I open my eyes and everyone is looking. Zake and I make our entrance, he leads me through the enormous ball room that's lit in a golden glow. The beautiful chandeliers sparkle above me and I have the sudden thought of how it would feel if one fell and shattered over me.
I enjoy the attention of these strangers as they turn to glance at me with curious stares. I look down at my dress and realize I fit in. I'm not an outsider. I grew up in this world. I almost expect to see my grandma twirling around my grandad. But then I remember... they're not here. They're not at their summer island. They're dead.
Zake introduces me to a couple of people and I smile and introduce myself as I should.
"Now it's time for you to meet my parents." Zake grins. "They'll be happy for once that I finally brought a date to one of these things."
