ignoto | SnowBaz Fanfic

- due -

scrivere to write verb

vent frustration on paper

Everyone is getting on my case about hosting an exchange student. What's it to them? They can tell me these things and force their ideas down my throat but in the end, nothing will have changed. I am still here, on a bed that hasn't been made in years, surrounded by underwear and my own misery. It's choking me. I wonder sometimes if I've died somewhere along the way.

I think a part of me has.

Should I die?

It wouldn't make a difference to the world. And my suffering will see an end.

That sounds beautiful.

I can't seem to walk straight, it's like I'm stumbling through a forest layered with thick fog in the dead of the night. I can't even see the stars when I look up.

I'm so dead inside.

What's the point? Why the hell do I write these things anyway?

The pen drops and I flop onto the mattress, burying my face. The next minute, hot tears dampen the sheets and I drown in them. A part me of wants to scream and thrash and punch a wall, the other wants to curl into a tighter ball and hide – either option sounds beautifully cathartic. A completely different part of me seeks an escape but there are too many parts, and they all want a different thing that I'm too tired to address.

By the time I resurface, my cup noodles have gone cold. Getting up for another packet seems too hard of a task and the thought of moving makes my limbs shake and mind tetter once more.

There's homework I must do. Life I must attend. Tasks to get done. I lay there for hours and hours, the darkness all around me. I don't know if its day, or night. Where I am, eternal darkness reigns, a darkness too horrible to resonate with the moon.

A creak disturbs my misery and I hear mum step in. "Simon?" she whispers, "are you awake?" I blink into the mattress, waiting for her leave and unwind from work. She's tired and this is a mere check up to show that she truly cares, she'll leave in a moment; the weariness of long hours will catch up to her. "Simon...I know you can hear me, so listen." I hold my breath and wait for her soft voice to find me. "I know you don't want to do this...but I have a good feeling. You've never taken to any of my ideas and advice so please, just this once. I can't stand to see you like this." Her voice staggers on a tremor. "I'm going to look into the exchange student program. You can help me if you wish, in fact, I'd love that." She steps over on light feet and I can feel her hovering above.

"Good morning." Her lips brush the crown of my head and she murmurs the words like a good night.

I lay in silence, not even my mind whispers.

Somehow, I managed to drag myself out of bed today. Heart wrenchingly late, not that it bothered me. I don't think it bothers the school either, to be honest.

I ask myself why I thought coming today was a good idea.

"I should've stayed home," I moan to Penny who tinkers by the coffee machine. My face feels hot and slick from the steaming green tea I lament over. I look at my phone and the series of text messages creating a new wallpaper on my phone. I don't have any friends so of course it's mum, wondering why I'm suddenly not at school anymore.

I just couldn't handle it. Somehow, word had got out that mum and I are to be hosting an exchange student. I don't think I've spoken to more girls in my life, they were overly excited, and it annoyed me to no end. I didn't want to deal with this crap. I knew this was a fucking fucked idea.