The Perks of Being a Side Effect

Chapter 1

After Augustus died I threw away An Imperial Affliction. I remember the book clattering at the bottom of the empty garbage can. Van Houten had returned to his home in Amsterdam and I hadn't seen or spoke to him personally since the last time I saw him, which was when he refused to leave my car and I learned why he seemed to understand what it was like to lose someone. It was a bitter end to my story, I'll admit. I can't even bring myself to open another book to pass the time. Instead, I lay on my back all day long on my bed mattress. I sleep for hours at a time and don't make an effort to regulate my eating.

"Hazel?" My mother's voice is soft when she speaks to me now. She seems to try to be quiet when approaching me. I swear, she is at her breaking point. I've been a mess for about three months now. Since about a week after the funeral when I actually realized that he was gone. Since Augustus has passed, I've felt less like a side effect and more like an unlucky survivor of an unavoidable and fatal tragedy. Of course, one day I won't be a survivor. But for the meantime, while I'm alive and he's dead, I cant help but ask why he of all people had to die?

He was supposed to be NEC. It made me angry and sad at the same time that for a while Augustus and I were given the false hope that he had been cured. What a rude awakening his death was. "Yes?" I replied. My voice didn't sound like my own anymore. It sounded older and tired.

"Hazel... Please honey, you can't live like this." Mom said in a pleading tone. I knew it wasn't fair to be like this and force her to stand aside as her daughter spaced out all alone in her bedroom. But I didn't think that I had the energy to even try to pretend I was making an effort to recover. I didn't want to recover. Recovering meant moving on, and that would mean moving on from Augustus. In a strange way I felt like that would be unfair to him.

"Mom, I'm just trying to figure out what to do next." I lied. I knew exactly what I would do next. Nothing. I felt like this conversation was similar to one that we had the morning met Augustus. Mom was damn determined to get me to Support Group. "Look at you, you're not eating, you haven't left the house in weeks. Mr and Mrs Waters haven't heard from you either and that Isaac boy has called too." Mom told me. After the funeral, I made sure to visit Augustus' parents and make sure they were doing okay. I couldn't imagine losing a child. they always told me how grateful they were that Augustus had someone to love before he passed, but somehow that made me feel worse. I also made an effort to visit Isaac. Monica hadn't spoken to him since their break up and he was still blind, of course. He had tried to be supportive but I felt like I was just burdening him.

When I didn't respond to her, mom took it upon herself to venture further into my room than the doorway and sit at the edge of my bed. I felt the mattress shift under her weight but I didn't bother to look at her. My gaze was stayed fixed on the ceiling and my forearm was draped lazily across my forhead. "Hazel." She said in almost a whisper. "I'm sorry about Augustus, but he wouldn't want this." I felt my eyes grow moist with fresh tears. By "this" she surely meant the state I was in.

"He loved you so much, you know?" She continued.

I did know, he reminded me often of how beautiful I was or how it was painful waiting to see me. I can't believe I was so stupid before and spent so much time trying to avoid any kind of relationship with him. I also can't believe that I had to travel all the way to Amsterdam to realize that any attempts to avoid my feelings for him were useless.

"Yeah, I know." I croaked. My throat had gone dry and I did my best to speak without my voice cracking.

"And you know that if he was here he would tell you that you aren't being fair to yourself by being like this." She said. She was right, I imagined Gus bursting into my rooms with his hands on his hips in an attempt to portray a motherly attitude. I imagined him saying my name in a fake stern tone and him telling me that life waits for no sorry person. All the while chuckling to himself. I could picture this so clearly. God, I missed him. "I know.' I repeated. Finally, my mother sighed. "Hazel, you need to get up and go out somewhere. Whether you go by yourself or with someone. just go somewhere." She said in a motherly tone.

I pushed myself up and off my bed just as my mother had stood up and walked toward the door. Waiting to make sure I was going to get up, most likely.

"Okay. Let me get dressed and I'll go somewhere." I obliged. Looking a bit relieved, my mother opened the door and closed it behind her after leaving my bedroom. I slowly trudged over to my closet and stared blankly at my clothing. I guess it wouldn't matter what I wore as long as it wasn't pyjamas.

I grabbed a pair of faded blue jeans and a simple red T-shirt with some saying written across it in black letters that had rubbed off ages ago and were now too difficult to read. Rather than combing my short hair, I ran my fingers through it a few times and tried my best not to stand in front of my mirror for too long. Lately I've noticed that I just don't look like myself and sadness and pain is easily noticed in my face. Part of me didn't want to admit this so I did my best to minimize my time spent in front of reflective surfaces.

I grabbed my cart which was my oxygen tank on wheelsand lugged it downstairs. Mom had begun to read a book on the couch while my father sat next to her with his eyes glued to the television. "Going out?" He asked upon seeing me. I Could tell he was surprised to see me up and moving around but he did his best to sound normal.

"Yeah," I said bluntly. "I'll be back whenever." With that, I left the house and stepped onto my porch. It was a warm summer day and the sun was far too bright for my taste. Jeez, maybe I had stayed inside for too long. However, before I could shuffle down the stairs and onto my driveway, I noticed an envelope sticking out of the mailbox. I was pretty sure no one in my house was expecting mail but i snatched it from the mailbox anyways.

On the front was my address with a stamp that had been crookedly placed in the top corner. Strangely, there was no return address. It didn't seem to be addressed to a particular person either. I decided that I would just take it and open it once I figured out where it was that I wanted to go. I folded the envelope in four and forcefully crammed it into the pocket of my jeans.

I also chose not to drive, I didn't mind walking, I needed some fresh air to clear my head anyways. I began to walk down the sidewalk while tugging my oxygen cart along for the ride. And suddenly, I was crushed by the memories of Amsterdam. I felt like I was walking down the old streets with Gus beside me. I remember the old buildings and how Augustus would point out anything and everything that he found interesting while I stayed silent and listened to his voice.

Then I remembered the funeral and I felt like I was once again standing beside his stiff and lifeless body, I remember shoving a package of cigarettes beside him before saying one final goodbye.

And finally, I was snapped back to reality and suddenly aching from the memories and totally bullshit sudden flashbacks. I bit my lip and continued walking, I knew I could've gone to see Isaac or even Gus' parents but I had someone else I wanted to talk to more than anyone.