Hard to Speak || l.h.

Twelve

            "Is anyone here to see.." the nurse stares down at the clipboard for a half second. "Raine Chambers?"

            I leap to my feet and walk over to the nurse. She nods at me and motions for me to follow her down the hallway. I'm so glad she didn’t expect me to say anything. She leads me to a room with a closed door, but she's standing in front of me, not letting me in.

            "I know this is hard to hear, but she hasn't woken up yet. The blow to her head really did some damage. We're not sure if she'll wake up," the nurse says.

            What does she mean they're not sure if she'll wake up? She has to wake up?

            "She's going to be okay, right?" my voice is shaking.

            The nurse hesitates, and in that hesitation I'm given all I need to know. "We hope so."

            We hope so.

            "You can go in now."

            I can go in now.

            The door closes behind me, and I'm glad it does. There she is. On the hospital bed, propped up with a pillow. Unmoving. Her eyes are closed, and she's hooked up to at least three machines. One of them beeps slowly in the corner. I don't think I can move, but I do. I move beside her and sit in the chair that's pulled up to her bed. I take her hand. It's so cold.

            I don't know what to say, my voice threatens not to work. There are so many things I should have told her, so many things.

            "Hey, Raine," I say, my voice cracking. I can't hold back my tears anymore, they begin to pool over. "I missed you, I missed you so much."

            I remember reading something about people in comas being able to hear what's going on around them. I hope she can hear me.

            "I'm sorry," I sob, squeezing her hand in both of mine. "I'm sorry for getting in that argument over the phone. I'm sorry for being gone. I'm sorry for leaving." I kiss her hand, holding it up to my cheek. "I never should have left you."

            There is no sound in the room except the beeping in the corner and my cries. I watch her face, searching for any sort of movement. There isn't any.

            "You've got to wake up, baby." There's a noise at the door, but I ignore it. "You can't leave me here alone. I love you, Raine. I love you so, so much."

            There's a hand on my shoulder. "Luke, dear," it's Raine's mother. "Could we have a moment with her?"

            She's in a fucking coma. There's no such thing as a moment with her.

            I nod and stand up from the chair, bending over to kiss Raine's forehead. I touch her cheek lightly, wanting more than anything for her to smile. I force myself to turn away from the hospital bed and move blindly to the door. Mr. Chambers pats my shoulder as I leave, but I can't bring myself to say anything. It's too hard to speak.

            I don't want to move far from Raine's room, so I slid to the floor outside her room and wait. I don't care how long it takes. I'm not leaving her again. Nurses walk by, barely giving me a glance. I bang my head back against the wall. Why Raine? Of all the bad people in the world, why her? I fumble for my mother's ring against my chest  and hold it up to my lips, feeling the cool metal. I can't be left alone again.

            Raine, please wake up.

- - -

okay im making myself sad

what could've happened to raine, you ask? why is she in a coma, you ask? will she ever wake up, you ask?

im not telling.

okay bye