Trans guy stuff

sorry i've been offline,

I'm not coming back online, yet.

Shit has been bad.

Plus, I can't feel anymore. Well,I don't feel most of the time, I feel happy when listening to music sometimes, I guess more of energetic. I'm just always anxious, angry and sad. Or just... Empty.

I started cutting again. It makes me feel relaxed. I don't cut because I feel disgusted, sad and angry at myself, it's just to feel.

I'm sick of everything, I want to leave.

Why can't I just die?

I want to die.

I probably don't even deserve it.

I'm a freak, and everyone agrees. My grandma, my mom, everyone. They try to point out that I'm a fag as often as they can as well.

They would be better off without me.

I don't know for how long I have left until I run out of energy to live.

You know, I listen to music now just to distract myself, I try to do that as often as possible,I join clubs and just do stupid stuff so I won't have to listen to voices in my head. I can't even go trought entire day without music, I'll either cut or cry.

My mom has some sleeping pills...

Hah... I won't do it, I'd probably get scared.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, you probably expected something better.

That's why I don't update, there is no better anymore.

I can't pretend that some things are ok. I've been like this for what... A month? And it's getting worse everyday. Worse to pretend to be happy, to feel. To be okay.

I just want to leave.