What Happened Today?

Loneliness

Alone. There's nothing worse in the world the being alone. But, there's two different types of alone. There's the alone like no is talking to you and it's 3 am and all your thoughts are hitting you hard. And then there's actual alone. The no one in your corner to fight for you alone. No one to talk to when your best friend isn't your best friend anymore or when you get into a fight with your boyfriend alone. No one to give you advice when you feel like your life is falling about by the second alone. That's the alone i'm talking about. The kind where you're actually alone.
I hated being alone as a kid, I always had to be with someone to the point where I wouldn't sleep alone at night. I was that kid, I needed the 24/7 reassurance that I was doing everything I should be doing, that I was succeeding in life. And once my major supporters left me, no one replaced them. And at that point I was alone.
Friends weren't a thing I was blowing through a new friend group every two months, cutting people out of my life left and right because I thought I didn't need them. And you know what? I didn't. None of them were good for me. I was thriving on my own, I became everything I needed all on my own. And it never bothered me, being on my own was what I wanted. I learnt that no one was here to stay. So why would I invest feelings and emotions into people that were just going to leave me anyways? Why would I want to hurt myself like that? I had my family and that's what mattered.
I never would've guessed in a million years that my family would become those people too. The kind that could just leave me alone. Alone in the toughest times of life. Alone through all the amazing achievements I made (which if we're being real, it wasn't that many) but still they left me alone. Alone when I needed all the support I could get.
And as I sit here crying, I wonder what would've happened if I didn't shut people out constantly. If I opened up to people. If I didn't think they would all walk out of my life. Because for once in my life I miss not being alone. But I don't think I miss all those friendships from middle school or high school. I for once in my life miss my family relationships. As all my friends go home on the weekends or talk to the parents every couple days. I for once in my life wish I had one.
But instead I'm sitting here alone worrying about holiday breaks and what I'm going to do and where I'm going to go. And everyone is counting down the days where they can spend weeks with their family instead of seeing them once every two weeks for a day.
And at that point in my life I finally realize I truly was alone and there wasn't anything I could do about it. I'm alone. Alone and proving to my family that I'm perfectly fine and succeeding in life without them, but truthfully I'm fully apart on the inside. I just want them to be impressed that they all left me and I can live life and do amazing things without them. But for once in my life I can't. My loneliness is effecting me so hard that I'm just a sad depressed angry teenager going through some of the toughest things, a normal teenager would be going through right now alone. But that's how it goes.
I'm alone.