What Happened Today?

College

College. Everyone thinks of it as freedom. No more curfews. No more living your life by other peoples rules. You can do your own thing. And don't get me wrong that is 100% true but then there's the things people didn't prepare me for. The massive loads of homework a night. Trying to make friends. And you can do your own thing. But the biggest thing is your support system.

Support systems seems like a dumb thing to cause an issue over, but to me it makes or breaks it. Everyone has one and doesn't think twice about it, but then again does everyone have one? Because I know that I don't. And that's causing me my biggest issue. I've always been alone, and I knew that and accepted it. But I also wasn't "alone" because I lived with my family and like went to school and had some friends. But now, it's like holy shit you're actually alone. My friends call or text their family almost daily. Like I don't talk to anyone outside of them. And it's never been harder to deal with not having anyone. Like I'm just sitting here realizing how alone I have become over the years and how my mental capacity can't handle it all right now. Like yes I am jealous of you calling your mom everyday. Yes I wish I could talk to my mom everyday. Yes I want you to leave me alone because I can't handle how lucky you have it. No I don't want your pitty but yes I want to be alone. There is nothing wrong with it. It's just were I feel comfortable. And yes I want to be friends with you but no not that kind of friend. No you cant know me like that. Why not? Because I don't do friends well. Why? Because I don't like people to be this close to me and that is why I am alone. Because if you become that close to me I will push you away. I will make you hate me and want nothing to do with me. Why? Because that is who I am. I was taught the hard way that no one actually cares about you and no one will actually every be there for you at all times. And because of that I like to be alone.

So then again can I actually complain about being alone if I made it myself? Or can I complain about being alone because of how other people effected me so much that I realized you don't need anyone but yourself to be happy? But then again am I happy being alone?

So many different questions come from the idea of alone that no one actually knows or understands the concept the same way that everyone else understands it. So to me I am alone but I'm not alone because I chose to be. I'm alone because of how other people treated me and how I was raised. To the point were I am most comfortable being alone. I just wished people would understand that.