What Happened Today?

Memories Part One

This is probably one of the most cheesiest quotes in the world, but there's more to it then what meets the eye, but you can only see it when it effects you the most. And that quote is "Cause you never think the last time is the last time. You think there will be more. You think you have forever, but you don't", most famously from Meredith Grey, of course. 

Now if you think about it we all know that we're going to die at some point. And we all think it will be when we're old and we should just go anyways. You think it will happen when we have decades and decades of photos, years and years of memories. We think once were gone the people we care about will be able to remember us by all of that stuff and all of the stuff we left them. But you never think about it happening at such a young age. You never think you will forget the people you love the most because you think you will have them forever, you never picture them leaving us alone like they did. 

So down to the real business, the way this kind of thing effects me. I was that person. I thought we had forever, I did. It never occurred to me until I am 18 years old and realized that I have been to seven funerals. SEVEN! Now personally I think that's a lot for someone my age. I go to a funeral about every two and a half years. And I wish I could say they weren't all my family but they were of course. Besides that, that's a lot of people that I have to remember for the rest of my life and I certainly don't have that many memories of all of them. 

But the one that brings me to tears from the lack of pictures, memories, and belongings, is my mother. I can't remember anything, besides watching her die, watching the life leave her body. And let me tell you something like that is not what I want to remember. But every holiday season I sit around day in and day out with tears streaming down my face because I cant remember her last Christmas with us. I don't remember a single thing about my 8th Christmas, but who could blame me I was eight. But every year I wish I could remember what it was like to have around on the holidays. Picking out a Christmas present for her but now, and this is only if I'm lucky I go to the dollar store and pick out some fake flowers because that's the only kind that will make it through the cold harsh winters of the midwest. And I try and put them in the ground so they just lay in the snow hoping they don't fly away. But it is so hard to pick out fake flowers for someone when you can't even remember what their favorite color is. And you just sit there staring at a wall of flowers wondering what color? Does she love orange? Or maybe she hates yellow? But maybe she loves blue? Does she like cliche flowers, like roses? Or does she want a daisy? 

And to think there was a point in time where I would buy her some clothing object for Christmas. And now, now I just get her fake flowers. I forever wish I had a mom here around the holidays. Someone to go home to. A place where I am loved. But if I can't have that I wish I could sit around and look at photos albums or wear one of her favorite hoodies or make one of her favorite holiday foods. But since I can't do any of that, I wish I could hang out in my memories and remember how things used to be. But I can't do that ether because all I can remember is watching her die and putting her cold lifeless body six feet under. So instead I cry, I cry because I can't remember because I don't have anything to remember her by. And that's what every holiday season is like for me. Not filled with love and happiness but hate and angry and tears lots and lots of tears.