Forbidden (BoyxBoy)

Chapter XIX: Elise, How Did You Know?

Jason. 

My moment of bravery was short lived. All the momentum I had gained by putting words to my feelings were crumpled absolutely upon reaching my home. The minute I found myself standing at the bottom of the steps leading onto my porch, I became deflated. All of a sudden the weight of the person I had been that first day, sitting on the steps with Elijah, came crashing down on me. That person had moulded into something foreign and new and terrifying.

Even though I knew that I was the same person, I couldn't help but feel like an outsider. Like the minute I stepped back into my home as this new revelation of a boy, my whole life became a fraud. In truth, a large part of me was ashamed that I hadn't discovered the truth about myself sooner - that the minute I realised I felt no adrenaline around girls, or that I didn't want to go on dates or talk about romance, I didn't come to the conclusion I was gay.

It was the most self-loathing, bizarre and exhilarating thing I had ever experienced, this new way of looking at myself. The sentence, which I found myself repeating in all combinations in my head - "I'm gay" - made me feel simultaneously free and trapped. And in that moment, standing on the threshold of my home and the outside world, I realised I was on the threshold between who I was becoming and who I had been thus far in my life. And I realised I wasn't ready to cross that line.

I wasn't ready to step into my house a different person. So I did the only thing I could think of - I turned on my heels and headed for Dean's house, feeling like I was on a verge of a panic attack and a manic episode. I felt detached from my own body, my mind filing through every little detail of my how I was feeling in that moment and becoming completely overwhelmed by the contradictions. My heart pounded hard, causing my entire chest cavity to ache. All my limbs were set ablaze with pins and needles, and as I spiralled into a state of dizzy breathlessness, I found myself hanging onto the only thing that made me feel grounded.

Alaric.

Flashes of him drifted in-between my panic. Serene eyes. Strong hands. Pale skin. Gentle touch. Intent smile. And even though thinking of the events of tonight added to my despair, those small, dream-like memories of him managed to give me clarity. I was exposed, I was confused, I was overwhelmed, but I was willing to feel all these things endlessly if it meant having him in my life.

Muscle memory guided me in a haze to Dean's front door, and I only realised I had made it there successful when my fist was pounding on the door. It crossed my mind then, and only then, that I didn't want Dean to answer.

Elise opened the door with a jovial, maternal smile.

"Bonne nuit Jason, Sarah and Dean are out I'm afraid, mon chére-" She began as her face came into view, but her voice stopped abruptly as the light from the house illuminated my puffy cheeks and red eyes. Instantaneously, her pretty face twisted into a mask of concern.

"Dieu," She breathed in sharply. "Jason, what's the matter?"

"C-Can I come in please?" A fresh set of tears spilled down my face, my voice breaking as I spoke. Just when I thought I had felt every possible emotion this evening, a wave of relief and shame came over me upon seeing Elise, and I had to muster all my strength just to stay upright. Seeing her had broken the seal of my emotions, and now they were pouring out uncontrollably.

Elise ushered me into the house by wrapping a thin arm around my shoulder, her palm rubbing up the side of my arm affectionately. Hurriedly, she shut the door behind us and herded me into the kitchen, the gentle kindness in her gestures allowing tears to spill from me. I felt so ashamed that I was here, that I couldn't bring myself to admit the truth to my parents or Zach, and I was embarrassed to admit that I didn't want anyone else but Elise to see me like this.