Forbidden (BoyxBoy)

Chapter XXIII: Revelation

Jason.

I had no idea what I thought I was doing. One minute I had been contemplating leaving Alaric the third voicemail of the day, the next I was standing outside his apartment close to midnight.

I stood at the door and knocked twice, the sound as real and deafening as the rapid beating of my heart. For a split second I regretted it - I wanted to turn and run like I had done the last night I'd seen him, revelation in my mind and silver burn on my hand, but the instinct left as fast as it had come. My feet grounded on the brick porch of his apartment, I felt both weightless and heavy with anticipation. A thousand scenarios flew through my mind of what my life could be with Alaric: dancing in his living room, having coffee in town, holding hands through the hallways at school, having dinner with my parents. But all of those glimpses of the future relied on what happened in the next few minutes. All that potential bliss rested on two scenarios: Yes, he wanted me; no, he didn't. When I put it in those terms, I wanted to run. Not knowing would be better than knowing he didn't feel anything for me, but before I had the chance to leave, the door opened.

Alaric stood there, eyes wide, mouth pressed into a confused frown. He looked sleep deprived. Dark circles rimmed his pale eyes, which seemed to lack their usual mesmerising vibrancy. His hair was messy, and not in a sexy, dishevelled way, but a way that made him look as though he had been running his hands through it anxiously. I wanted so badly to brush it with my own fingertips, and kiss the sleeplessness away from his eyes.

"Jason... I wasn't expecting you," He fumbled, looking slightly guilty. I wondered if after our last encounter he'd forgotten about me altogether, written me off as some fearful weirdo. He shuffled his feet and glanced behind him, biting his lip anxiously. "Now's not exactly a good time."

"Oh... I did try to call," I replied uneasily, the confidence I had felt minutes before slowly diminishing. Who just shows up at another person's house? I very suddenly felt like an idiot for coming to his house, my cheeks warming and my fists balling up in my jacket pockets frustratedly. Unconsciously, I took a step back, ready to concede defeat. Maybe this whole thing had been a mistake, maybe I should have just let him run away from me and my complicated existence.

I was ready to push all my emotions aside and leave, but a little voice in my head - the same one that insisted that I needed him, and that I wanted him- told me to keep my feet planted before him. It could be too late before I was brave enough to come knocking at his door again.

"I'm sorry, but if I don't say this now, I don't think I ever will." The words spilled out of me, my voice sounding far more confident than I felt. Alaric's eyes widened at my words, his fingers gripping tighter at the door as he looked at me. "So, can I come in?"

He visibly swallowed, his Adam's apple dipping beneath the surface of his long, elegant neck. I found my eyes locked with his as he gazed at me with curiosity. His expression was a mix of knowing and confusion, fear and bliss, intrigue and apprehension. It crossed my mind that he might say no, shut the door in my face and disappear from my life forever.

Instead, he stepped back and gestured for me to enter his apartment. I stepped in to the familiar space, and took in a deep breath of relief, scanning the room. It wasn't neat and orderly as it had been a few days earlier, instead it looked as though someone had been sleeping on the couch: blankets and dishes everywhere, the record player empty and the pillows scattered. Something was up, but I wasn't about to ask. Right now, all I could think about was Alaric, and how desperately I needed him to know how I felt.

Turning around to face him, I saw that he had closed the door behind him and was now leaning against it, one hand wringing the back of his neck anxiously. The tendons in his lean forearms shifted as he moved, hypnotising me for a second.