[CLOSED] Charlotte Mallory's Hedgehog Reviews

📗 - Kids of Thunder

Written by WolvesandMoons

OVERALL: 📗43/50 Immersion Success!! Woot!!

This, so far, is about a group of werewolves fighting some ruthless elves and then getting captured. If you love fantasy novels, then this is a great twist, as instead of it being from the perspctive of a human, it's from a werewolf. And the author does a great job to display the dark plot. What a great addition to the werewolf genre!!

Like most stories in their first draft, it does need some work, but it's mostly with technical errors versus plot and character. Which means the author has a great recipe for something with a lot of potential. I think the biggest improvement for this story would be working on grammar, sentence structures, and pacing. The first two chapters is one giant battle with no prologue or context, so it dragged out quite bit, and there was way more setting descriptions than character building (a setting doesn't mean as much without knowing the characters. Basically the opposite of white room syndrome). I think with some beta reading and editing, this has a lot of potential, plot wise!

Once I got to chapter 3, this story opened up so much and I found myself really enjoying my time while reading it. It was easy to feel like I was there with them. So great job!

BONUS POINTS: Cover, Title, and Synopsis. Here, you can get additional points for nailing one or all of these down. They are bonus points because it's small things like this that make a story linger, but are not essential for immersion.

Cover: +1

This is a really nice cover and I really love the aesthetics of it. It seems completely professional. The blue down the middle is great and contrasts well with everything else around it. The title fits the cover as well!

Summary: 0

I actually really like the first sentence. It's a lot about the world and also about the character. The rest of it just fell a little flat. It definitely doesn't get any points taken off, but it doesn't get bonus points either. The attempt at a dramatic summary just seems choppy. I think if you went ahead and just combined some of the sentences and had it read more like a paragraph it would be so much better!

Title: +1

It fits the cover very well and I really like it. It's an interesting name for a book and paired with that cover, I would definitely give it a look!

ONTO THE STORY!

Grammar and Sentence structure: -3

There were quite a few issues with sentence structures. In a story, if it happens once or twice, that's fine. But here it happened a lot. If a reader is consistently pulled out due to the same issues, it can really ruin immersion and remind the reader that they are indeed just reading text on paper, versus living in another world.