Captivated

Big Girl Conversation

Hey everyone! I hope you're all having a good day. This one's a pretty vulnerable one for me to put out there, I won't lie, so I really hope you like it... leave a comment and vote if you feel like it x
-ab

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March 30, 2025

Harper

"I had no idea that a simple move could be so ridiculously frustrating," I groan, laying down on the floor with a thud.

"I didn't know either," Patrick apologises. "I wish that I could just pick you up, load your things into the car, and sweep you away, like in the movies..."

"But we have to deal with big girl, real-life problems... like how Nessa and Katherine are going to make up for my rent money."

"You're sure they won't be able to pay it?"

"They already told me that they can't afford it..."

"You've talked this over with them, then?"

"Yep," I reply, giving a big sigh. "I'm sorry."

"I know it would be a pain, but you could just continue to pay rent for a little bit... my parents are paying for this place until I get a stable job, and then I'll be able to cover it. Both of them will have to move on at some point, right? Didn't you say Katherine is being promoted soon?"

"There's a possibility... and Nessa will be graduated in a few years, getting herself a real job as well... I don't know, though. That seems a bit pointless, to just throw away my money..."

"Right," Patrick nods. "What about finding them a new roommate? I wonder if Nessa has any school friends who would join in?"

"I'll have to ask them," I say. "That seems like the best option."

We fall into a moment of silence, before I take a deep breath and speak up again. "So... I need to talk to you about something."

A look of worry grows on Patrick's face, and I instantly feel bad. "No, it isn't like that... nothing bad, it's just a big girl conversation, that's all."

"Okay," he replies, letting out a little sigh of relief, which causes me to giggle a bit. "What's up?"

"After I leave Les Mis in September... what do you think I should do? Like, should I start auditioning again, should I line up a show, or should I take a break?"

"Oh goodness..." Patrick tells me. "Ultimately, you have to do what you think will be best for you, but I feel like you'd be happiest in another show..."

"I'm tempted to line one up right away, because I don't want to have that factor of uncertainty... but that'd mean I'd need to start going to auditions very soon."

"Oh," he tells me. "What does that entail?"

"Meetings with an audition coach and taking all of the opportunities that I possibly can. It may mean that I'm not around much, between shows and the process."

"That's okay," he tells me. "You need this. I can tell."

"Thank you," I smile at him, feeling a sense of relief wash over me. "I was really hoping you'd let me do it."

"Sweetie, why wouldn't I?" he asks me. "As your boyfriend, it is my job to make sure that you're happy, and everything that I have to do needs to be in your best interest. Have I ever given you the vibe that I wouldn't let you do it?"

"No, but... my brain just gets like that sometimes." I find the words flowing out of my mouth, and I'm not able to stop them once it starts. It's something that I've not confided in anybody, but the moment feels right, and I think Patrick needs to know. "Just, feeling like people are using me, or that they don't want what's best for me, or worst of all, that they're only pretending to be my friend. There's an exact moment that I can pinpoint it all starting, when I was in primary school and my so-called 'best friend' asked to move her seat in class because she thought I was 'too clingy.' Ever since then, my mind has managed to convince me that everyone I love doesn't love me back... that they're just pretending, you know? I always feel like I'm annoying everybody around me, and they don't really care. Nobody truly wants what is best for me. It's just... it's so stupid, but I'm constantly thinking about it. I just don't know how to get the stupid thoughts out of my brain, and... well, I hate myself for it, but the thoughts are there, and I can't seem to get them to go away."

Patrick's eyes widen. "Honey, is this all true?"

I give a sad little nod. "I'm sorry..." Tears are welling up and threatening to spill out of my eyes, but I attempt to blink them back.

"Sweetie, I wish you would've told me this a long time ago. I know that it's hard to change the way that your mind is wired to think, but I need you to know that I think about you every second of every day. I'm never not thinking about how much I love you, and how I can make you happy, or make your day a little bit easier."

"For real?" I ask, rubbing my eyes.

"Absolutely for real," he tells me, wrapping his arms around me and rubbing my back. "Take a deep breath, love. As for that girl who started this all... she was a fake friend, and if she didn't want you in her life...her loss."

"I love you so much," I murmur, burying my head in his chest and breathing in his scent, which I've become ever-so-familiar with over the recent months. "Hon..." I say, changing the subject abruptly, no longer wishing to talk about my overthinking issues, "we have known each other for almost a year now."

"That's crazy, isn't it?" he tells me. "I don't know what I'm going to do for our one-year anniversary. I'll have to top the birthday... that won't be easy."

"You don't have to do that, love. I'd love it just as much if we could have a little picnic in the churchyard before my show, and then we came home and cuddled. We don't even have to have the picnic. Simply cuddling will be enough for me..."

"Well, I have a few more months to think about it still," he smiles at me. "Whatever it is, it's going to be perfect. I can promise that. We will be together, and that's all that matters. When Taylor and Joe had their second anniversary, Joe had a movie premiere. Of course, Taylor went, but they would have much rather had a more secluded night in. They made it work, though. They were together, and that was the important part. Just like us."

I smile at him. "Have I ever told you that you're my favourite person in the entire world?"