Life Begins To Blur (Mean Girls)

My Hands Are Tied, I Hope That Everything Will Be Okay For You

Eh, idk this isn't great, but I tried kinda hard. Credit to Jeffersonsmacaroni7 again for the inspiration. Comment what you think? Please?
Tw: Self harm, depression (I guess.)

It's not what I asked for,

Cady was never meant to LIKE them. It was all a plan, a trick, a trap. And now three plastics have become four.

Sometimes life just slips in through a back door,

Janis knew it was her fault. Maybe that's why she hadn't left Damian's arms in the last two hours, tears streaming down her face. If she wasn't such a bitch, maybe pure, perfect Cady would still be here.

And carves out a person and makes you believe it's all true, 

She was a shy, quiet girl, blushing awkwardly, unused to American ways. Her laugh was music, so sweet and soft. When Cady was around, Janis felt hope... She finally thought she could get better, laugh again. Damian did so much, but he could never be enough. 

And now I've got you,

Even Damian didn't know this secret. Janis longed to kiss her lips, run her hands through her auburn hair. Longed to make this girl happy all the time, as her heart beat double time. But she'd never admit it, especially not now.

And you're not what I asked for,

Of course, she was never going to be some magic salvation, but she could have been a friend. And now... Janis had blown it all.

If I'm honest, I know I would give it all back,

Heart broken. That's how this ends, while Cady is happy with "them." She knows Damian is hurting too and that's not alright. No-one hurts her best friend and gets away with it.

For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two,

What if Regina had never happened? Would they have had a chance? What if she'd just let it rest, let Cady join them? Would they be a trio now? Or were they destined to crash and burn, Janis's black and cold heart broken in too many places to count and certainly too many to fix?

For the girl that I knew,

The innocent, careless friend. Where had she gone now? Occasionally Janis could just catch a glimpse of that familiar smile that melted her heart, but then it was gone. She's not the same person anymore. That's just what Regina does to you. 

Who'll be reckless, just enough,

They'd climbed up into Damian's treehouse together. Or rather onto the roof, as Damian hovered anxiously. Up where it was just them, Janis felt the most alive, Cady's honey voice so close, reserved just for her. And when she nearly fell, it was Cady's warm touch that belonged to her alone as they laughed...

Who'll get hurt, but who learns how to toughen up,

Regina cracked her the first time. The first time Janis saw her cry. She never told her what had happened, but she shook with sobs that hurt Janis in a strangely new way. And Janis, being the horrible person she was, well is, forced her to go back there. And of course, pure, small Cady was all too willing if it would impress her friends. Ha, how well that turned out.

When she's bruised and gets used by a man who can't love,

Aaron... Well, of course, he would choose Regina over Cady every time. Who wouldn't? Well, Janis knew she wouldn't, but that wasn't the point. Cady was never loved by the plastics and their little followers. She was just a new toy to play with. And Janis let her get hurt time and time again, knowing how much it would hurt. And it was Cady of all people whose life she watched Regina destroy.

And then she'll get stuck,

Stuck in that darkness where she can't even move. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't smile, can't paint. That dizzy haze where she tries to hide it until she collapses. And then her arms will bleed, crisscrossed with savage red lines that she can never remove.

And be scared of the life that's inside her,

Janis is always scared. Of Regina, of the darkness, of the names they scream. But it's worse when she scares herself. When she can't control her mind and it doesn't want to live. That's when she's scared the most.

Growing stronger each day 'til it finally reminds her,

How can it hurt worse? How can her heart break any further? And yet it does, throbbing with every beat as the Cady she knew disappears. And it's worse when she forgets what's happened for a blissful while before it all snaps back. Cady is a plastic. It's gone.

To fight just a little, to bring back the fire in her eyes,

That's what Damian says. "Janis, you're strong." She doesn't feel strong. "Fight it, Jan. One step at a time." But how? It fights back with a passion. "It's not a race, JanJan." But maybe it is. It's a race against time. How long does she have left? How long can she hold it off?

That's been gone, but used to be mine,

A clone of Regina. Abandoning Janis into the dust for a cooler life. No-one likes the loser. Even Damian would leave her if he could. Everything that belongs to her somehow manages to leave.

Used to be mine

Regina, Cady, her parents, her friends, happiness, peace, freedom, pink, dance, art. All the things she's lost and they wonder why she's broken.

She is messy, but she's kind,

Janis used to say Cady was a whirlwind. Too much energy, her hair a mess and totally oblivious. But she was never cruel. This cruelty is not the Cady she wants to remember.

She is lonely most of the time,

Ironic to be lonely when no-one trusts you enough to leave you alone. Alone is safe. When she's with people, she has to keep up these walls. Only Cady let her break them down. Oh how she misses her.

She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie,

Maybe there's a shred of hope, maybe Cady is left there somewhere, not entirely Reginafied. Maybe just maybe..... But Janis can't hope anymore. Hope ends in heart break. Better to expect the worst and what's not will pleasantly surprise you. Well, as pleasant as pain can be.

She is gone, but she used to be mine.

"Janis, did you ever love me?"
"I loved who you used to be. Now I don't even know who you are. Remember me, Caddie."