Switched | Zayn Malik AU

Tattered

Zayn's POV

I decided to observe her room instead.

I found a portable vinyl record player. I also have one of these at home, but mine's high quality, and not portable. She has two polaroids, one's modern and the other one's a land camera. I know this one, this was limited edition. Now I'm getting curious. Where does she store the pictures?

I also saw her school stuff...Boring. I opened her drawers and saw interesting things...

Dried flowers, amusement park and movie tickets, concert tickets...

She was very much like me. I was also very sentimental, unlike other guys. I know how to value memories, especially those moments that made me who I am now.

I was still walking around the room, getting bored. Interestingly, I found a journal. It's not just an ordinary journal, it's tattered and it looked old. It's Constance's exact opposite.

If you looked at it you would notice how it's not taken care of. If it were a person, it would be a person that hasn't stepped into the shower in a long time after he/she has travelled the world, yet still beautiful, like he/she has a purpose in life.

I opened the drawer and saw a few other journals. They all have specific years written on the lower left corners of the covers. I noticed that as the younger the journal was, the more ruined it looked.

I thought really hard before reading the 2012 journal. Constance had so much respect in me that she wouldn't even want to sleep on my bed because she would think it would be invasion of privacy. Hell, she wouldn't even want to enter my house because she would think of it as trespassing.

But I had to do this, right? I had to know her. And if she doesn't want to give me the information I needed, I'd have to gather them myself.

On the first page, this was written: "Filterless, I'm just going to write. And remember as vividly as I can, and put memories and feelings into words. Ink."

I flipped the page and started reading.

"January 17, 2012

I talked to Li about what happened. Even though I was scared of him, somehow I still managed to explain. I wanted a perfect family but somehow, even though I know that this family's broken, I've tried to pretend to know nothing about my dad's affair with another woman. I've also pretended to know nothing about my mom dating another man.

I never said anything because I wanted our family to be in tact. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I probably am the weakest person on earth right now for not being to handle it. I couldn't hold it in anymore.

Just hours ago I walked in on my brother pinning my dad against the wall. My father's lips were already bleeding, and Liam was shouting at him. I saw him throw a punch at my dad. I didn't even stop him, I just watched them. My mom was just standing there, crying. Being the stupid daughter that I am, I said, "So you're happy now? You could now break up with him without any problems whatsoever? People would think it's his fault because they don't know that you're also having an affair with another guy? Way to go, Mom. Guess I could say I'm proud of the two of you for hiding your own secrets from everyone else but me."

Told you I was stupid. I knew I shouldn't have said that. I ran up to my room and I didn't cry. I've cried too much already. I'm actually really tired of crying. I don't think I still can, I'm numb. Well, numb until Li entered my room, crying.

I told him everything. He was closer to our parents than I ever was. I didn't spend that much time with them. Which was why Liam didn't know. He stayed with them too much. To be able to understand things, and to see everything clearly, you have to look from outside of the picture. I spent most of my days with George and her family, and we witness my parents' affairs from afar. I feel bad for him, really. Not for myself, though. I'm done with feeling bad for myself.

He told me that he wanted to leave and live with his friends instead. He still had his credit card and he just graduated so I think he'll survive. But he hates our parents, both of them. Our dad also left the house. He's going to live with his Maura now, while I'll be stuck with my mom and her boyfriend.

Okay."

I was still trying to process things when I noticed a picture that was pinned to Constance's corkboard. It was a childhood photo of her and another kid. Liam. They were really close, just like me and my brother.

So that's what happened to him. Liam used to study in my school. We were rivals for the captain position for soccer but he left LA two years ago. We never really found out what happened to him. They say he joined a gang, some say he got arrested in another state. Others say he was recruited by another soccer team. I was beyond happy when he left. At least, I get to be captain. I never really knew what happened to him, not until now.

I went on with reading the entries on her journal.

I looked for more interesting things and I found this one:

"March 15, 2012

I said yes to him!!!!!! He's now my boyfriend!!!!!!!! And he kissed me!!!!! He!!!! Kissed!!!!! Me!!!!!!!"

So, she had a boyfriend. I turned the page backwards to look for the name of the guy: Gavin Rivers.

This was also interesting:

"August 29, 2012

Gave him the V-Card and I regret nothing!!!! It was kinda forced and at first I didn't want it, I mean, he only forced me because he was drunk. I really wasn't ready. But when I woke up a while ago, he was still beside me. He didn't run away. Well, we were in his apartment but you get the point. He brought me breakfast in bed which was probably the sweetest thing ever, and he kissed me and told me he loved me journal for the first time!!!! Of course, I said it back!!!! Happiest day of my life I could fill this up with exclamation points!!!!!"

She still wasn't ready. He shouldn't have forced her, even though he was drunk. If there was one thing I never did, and will never do, it is to force a girl to have sex with me when she isn't ready.

If she isn't ready, break up with her. Find someone else who's willing and ready. But do not force her into it.

In my case, I didn't force girls because they're begging for me to have sex with them. What can I say?

What caught my attention was a page that was folded. After the folded page, was a page that with markings that look like stabs. She stabbed her journal multiple times with a pen. The next page was empty. In fact, the rest of the pages were empty. She had stopped writing.

I unfolded the page that she folded before and read:

"10 17 12

He slapped me really hard in the face and punched me two times. We were in his apartment when I refused to have sex with him because I felt sick. I ran as far as I can from his apartment, ended up crying at the gas station.

I called Liam and he rushed to where I was. He took me home and left me there. Two hours after, he came here with wounds and a broken lip. He beat up Gavin and he promised me that he will never come back again. It reminded me of how we were when he found out about our parents' affairs.

After what happened to my parents, I thought I will be okay forever, that nothing's going to hurt more than what happened to our family.

Gavin somehow made me happy. He changed me.

Now I have no one left."

I put the journal down and sat at the edge of her bed. I couldn't process everything at once. I know how it feels to be alone.

We're opposites, yet still very similar. I'm trying not to think about the body switching phenomenon, because honestly, I feel so shitty whenever I realize that I'm not in my own body. it feels like you're part of a fucked up scientific experiment and no one knows how to fix it. But what if there's a reason for it? I'm inside the body of a person who feels the same way I do, a person who was also left behind by someone important.

I mean, sure, girls love me. They LITERALLY follow me around everywhere ago. But somehow, being surrounded by people who only want you for what you project to be, could make you feel so unwanted.

Somehow, her journal made me feel like I wanted to know her. I needed to know her.