Naked

Sophomore Year Part Two; Rejection

Kenny sat on his bed alone in his room. He had been thinking a lot the past few weeks. Heidi was off dancing most days after school. Which was fine; he was happy that she was able to find a positive outlet besides himself. But, while she was gone, he felt lonely. More lonely than he thought he would. Sure, he could hang out with his friends—which she encouraged. However, in their company, there was a slow anger that would build in his chest. Perhaps it was that he had somehow outgrown their childish games. Or, it could have just been Cartman. The heavy-set boy had been growing on his nerves as of late. Maybe, it was the fact they seemed to be more focused on their futures.

There it was—the fire that too often filled him with so much irritation. Throwing himself off his bed, Kenny walked over to his closet. His pants hung loosely around his hips, probably too low to be comfortable. But, they would have to do for now; he would not be able to buy any new clothes for a while. Shit. Finding a thin long sleeve shirt—the sleeves not long enough anymore to come to his wrists—he slipped it easily over his head. Pulling the ends of the fabric down his stomach, he looked out his window. Snow had fallen for the past three days in a row. Everything seemed bleak. Yet, there was light around all that he saw. Maybe, it was the same thing that Heidi had mentioned in her personal monologue. Since he had gotten sick at the start of the school year, and Heidi taking it upon herself to take care of him, something felt different within him.

No one had seen him cry. No one had been there when he felt safe. No one had stayed when he was completely alone. It was strange. He had initially wanted to be with Heidi to make her better. But, now the roles had reversed. There was just something about being in her company that made Kenny want to share his secrets, his wants, and desires. His dreams. He smiled to himself as he picked up his orange coat. Who was he to believe that he could have anything, be anyone other than a repeat of his parents? He was not allowed to have dreams. And yet, his nights were filled with the same fantastical futures, where he was who he wanted to be.

His future-self had no worries, no cares. All that he had been working towards so desperately for years, was finally his. He would come home from work, heading into a kitchen that was unfamiliar. On the table would be a dinner, still hot, just for him. Sitting down in a place that felt more like home than his current one, Kenny would always pick up a fork so attentively set before him. The smells in his dream were real. What he saw, was real. What he tasted, was real. Everything was real. Even the slightest peck on his cheek from a woman who would rest her hands on his large shoulders so tender it hurt. Her whispers were sweet as she spoke into his ears, saying I love you and welcome home. Just as he would turn his head to look at his possible bride, Kenny would wake.

He felt his cheeks burn as he pulled his hood over his head. The more Kenny thought about it, the more he wanted it to be true. His mystery wife not so much a mystery. She was someone he knew. The only girl who had been so open to wanting to know him entirely; the good, the bad, and the so very ugly. The girl that he could argue with, say what he needed to say, and still, she would always return. The girl that, long ago if he was honest with himself, had captured his heart. But, it was just a dream. There was no way that she could ever feel the same for him. She deserved better.

"Going out?" Karen asked as she peeked into his room. Without facing her—sure that she would notice his blush and sad eyes—Kenny zipped up his coat snuggly.

"Yeah. I have something to take care of before work." As was routine, he grabbed his duffle bag packed with extra shirts for work and the cold.

"Okay. Have a good day, Kenny," she said sweetly, walking over to him with her arms stretched out. Before he was able to hold her back, Karen gave him a tight hug. She had been rather affectionate lately. Perhaps she had noticed the change within him that he had wanted to ignore; a softer, more content version of himself that he was still trying to figure out. "Be safe out there," she mumbled into his coat. Carefully patting the top of her head, Kenny pulled himself away from his sister.