welcome to my brain

to Bluebird

we never really talk anymore.
when we do, its just arguing. whats up with that? its kinda fucked up that i have feelings for you, right? you can call me insane or stupid or whatever you want but it really doesnt change anything.
god, im really fucked up.
i hate that i can look back on the way you treated me and the things you did to me but still not see it as abusive like all my friends say it was.
[other readers judge me all you want, i already know im mentally fucked.]
you put your hands on me.
i should have known then that you were trouble, but you were older than me and you claimed to love me so i didnt think about it too much. until you knocked me to the ground.
you say now that we were just playing, and for a while it felt like we were, but you were trying way too hard to hurt me. i was scared.
you were my first kiss.
i hate to say it but i really dont regret it as much as i should.
i mean, yeah it was good, and yeah it seemed like a good idea in the moment, but we really rushed into things too fast. not blaming you, just saying.
it was kinda cute how you moved that huge log just for me to sit on. honestly, it was adorable. thats one of my favorite memories of you, laughing and complaining behind the burger king while i sat in the grass and watched you work. that was back when you still wore hats. the crab hat was my personal favorite.
not every memory of you is that great though. like when you choked me, or when you called me a whore for talking to one of my guy friends that you didnt like. or when you cheated on me.
but hey, forgive and forget right? thats what im trying to do nowadays. you'd know that if you asked a single thing about my life.

i understand now why you act the way you do. its not something you can help and i get that. im trying to be patient and give you a chance because i care about you a bunch. thats why it scares me so much when you talk about wanting to die, and why it hurts so much when you insult me.

anyways, yeah. you probably wont see this but im always going to be here for you and im not giving up just because you're an asshole.