welcome to my brain

5/1/18

i thought i was finally over you.
i thought i could finally move on
without the fear that i'd be abandoned without warning.
but the fact that i burst into tears every time i see a picture of us
at your birthday,
halloween,
that night at the park,
says otherwise.
i thought the pain was fucking over.
but you're all i fucking want.
you abandoned me
you abandoned me
you abandoned me

and ill never get over that.
its stuck in my brain
and it wont ever leave.
ill go into every new relationship with a crippling fear of being left again.
ive learned that love is a cruel mistress.

after you
i became cold
detatched
heartless.
i have to keep up my guard
but i dont really
some people love me
they want to help me
but so did you
so you see the predicament that leaves me in,
dont you?
do i peel off my shell?
bare my soul for all to see?
or do i heighten my wall?
make it too tall to ever scale?

my heart is cold
but my body burns with rage
at you
for destroying me
making me the monster i am.

are you happy now?
are you?