Four Realizations

chapter eleven: rooftops

d e r e k

"Are you nervous?" Danny asks me, drumming his fingers on his thigh. My fingers are busy playing with the hem of my t-shirt, pulling on loose threads. We're sitting across each other, crosslegged on the bed, but refusing to meet each other's eyes. My fingernails are short and ugly from the amount of biting I've been putting them through in the last hour as I've been sitting in the bed, staring at the clock, waiting for the clock to strike one.

I shrug, trying to put up a nonchalant look, even though I'm feeling far from casual, "I guess."

"I remember my therapy session after my first five days," Danny says, his eyes obtaining a faraway look. "Obviously, I needed to be kept longer."

"How long have you been here?" I ask.

Danny winces, "Three months."

I don't answer that, because I fear something offensive will come out, like a shocked mess of words. Instead, I ponder my upcoming therapy session. It'll be the session where Dr. Harris will decide whether or not I'm going to need to be kept longer than five days. My insides churn at the thought of staying here for any longer, but considering my breakdown at therapy and Sunday night, I know there's little chance I'm going to be released soon.

I like to think yesterday's therapy session went better than the first one, though. Dr. Harris and I had just talked about family, Zack and the small fight I had with Jake since he had happened to overhear Jake's apology. I didn't exactly explode like the first time, but I could tell that Dr. Harris wasn't too happy with the lack of me opening up or being, well, nice. 

After letting go of my thoughts, I realize the room is way too quiet for my liking. Clearing my throat, I say, "D'you know when you're getting released?"

Danny doesn't meet my eyes.

"Do you?" I push.

Danny clears his throat uncomfortably. I glare at him until he is forced to look back at him. 

"It's a funny story," Danny says.

"Humor me."

"I may or may not be getting released next Wednesday."

My heart drops. I know I should be happy for Danny- he's finally getting out of this place, and I know how much he loathes it- but instead, I feel sick.

"So, you're leaving," I say slowly, looking down.

Danny sighs, "This is why I didn't want to tell you, Derek."

I pretend like I didn't hear him, "You're leaving. Just like Zack."

Danny winces at the comparison. Guilt flashes in his blue eyes. It takes him a moment to answer, his mouth continuously opening and closing like his mind is drawing blanks. Finally, he settles for, "I'm sorry, Derek." He clears his throat, and says in a happier tone, "But hey, you might even be out before me. We don't know for sure they're keeping you later than five days. Don't freak, okay?"

I roll my eyes, "Thanks for the optimism, Danny, but we both know they're keeping me longer than five days. You're... leaving. God, no, Danny you can't leave. What about Sam?"

"She's staying," he says. "And I'm going to be visiting plenty of times." He puts a hand on my shoulder, "Derek. you're going to be fine without me, 'ight? I believe in you."

I don't want to have a breakdown before therapy, but this was the last straw. First Zack, now Danny. Zack leaving was what had really thrown me off the edge and made me want to drown myself. It was what had landed me here. Now Danny? My mind drifts back to what Jake had told me earlier, about me having no reason to be depressed. He may have just been out of it, but we all know the most truthful words are said in the wrong state of mind.