d e r e k
I still remember the first time that my parents had visited me at the clinic. I remember having multiple freak outs, needed to get comforted by Danny and Jake and, at the end of all of it, I still needed Jake to come with me into the room to see them because I couldn't face them alone.
I think it was that day, when my mom and dad hugged me so tightly I couldn't breath that I really realized just how much I loved them. They didn't freak out and they didn't blame me like thought they would. They were beyond understanding, and have been everything single time they've visited me at the clinic. That's why I'm excited to see them today. It's sort of hard, because I remember before every time they would come to the clinic, Jake would always be with me and give me a few words of encouragement. Now, though, I don't rely on his encouragement much anymore. Maybe it's just the fact that he's really gone that's leaving me a little down.
I barely even get to see my mom before she's engulfing me in a big hug. Her familiar perfume is strong together, and I relish in the smell, thinking about just how much I've missed home.
I lay my head on her shoulder, close my eyes and mutter, "Missed you, ma."
My mom pulls me away, holding me by the shoulders and giving me a watery smile. "I miss you too, sweetheart. So much. How are you feeling?"
She leads me over to the couches in the room, and I notice the lack of my dad. My mom realizes what I'm silently asking and says, "Your father couldn't make it today, he had a meeting in the city."
I give her a small smile, noticing the glimmer in her eyes that seems to be sometimes albeit to nervousness, so I reassure her quickly. "It's fine, mom. I'm happy you're here."
Her expression is slightly pained, as if she's afraid of my answer when she hesitantly repeats, "Happy?"
I nod. Soon enough, I'm wrapped back in her warm embrace, her arms holding onto me so tight I feel like her lifeline. That's okay, though, I suppose; I've been homesick for so long, seeing my mother makes me just feel sicker, but lighter all at the same time. I remind myself that soon enough, I'll be home again, and I'll see my mom and dad everyday, and I'll be able hug them every morning and ask them how their day was every time they come home from work. I miss that.
She pulls away from me. "You know, I've been talking to the doctors."
"Yeah?"
She brushes a strand of my brown hair from my eyes. "Yeah. They're saying you're getting better. I'm proud of you."
My heart surges at those words. "Thanks, mom."
She takes my hand in hers. "There's something I need to say."
"Anything," I say.
My mom takes a deep, shaky breath. "I'm sorry, Derek. When we first got the call from a mental clinic saying you had tried to kill yourself- it was so hard on me. I didn't know what to do. And for a while I blamed myself for not helping you, and then I blamed you, but there's no one to blame. I know that now. But that doesn't change that... I'm sorry, Derek, for not being able to help you earlier. For not seeing the warning signs." She's crying. "I'm not exactly a great mother."
My arms around her neck bring her back into an embrace in record time. "You're an amazing mom. There's no one else I'd rather have, and I'm so grateful for you. Please don't be sorry, mom. It's going to be okay. I love you."
She hugs me back, and we don't let go of each other for a while.
x
"You really shouldn't be skipping lunch," Sydney chides as she stands by my doorway. "Come on, you don't have to stay for long. Just eat."
