Four Realizations

chapter seventeen: light switches

d e r e k

Friday is my third day without Danny, and it just feels wrong. It's not uncommon to wake up without Danny in the room; he never sleeps in late, but it is weird not to hear Danny's snores as he drifts off, or to awoken in the middle of the night from the sound of Danny going to use the washroom. Even the things I had always found weird, like Danny mumbling things in his sleep, I found myself missing now.

I'm supposed to get my new roommate today, but truthfully, I don't want one. The past days have been hard without Danny. Sam hasn't exited her room at all, skipping activities, and leaving my completely alone in my journey of trying to get over Danny's absence. Usually Danny would be around to help me- which is, obviously, not an option- and with Sam not talking to me or even seeing me these past three days, all I have left is Jake, who can never stay around for long.

Every time Jake does have to leave, though, I see a pained expression take over his face. I know why; he understands how much I hate being alone, but when he walks away, that's exactly how he's leaving me. Jake's trying, though, and I appreciate that; he sticks around until someone calls him to help with something, and always manages to keep my mind off of things. Either way, dark thoughts of loneliness still manage to creep into my mind, worsening my mood even more.

I haven't seen much of Sydney, since she's been trying to cheer up Sam, but she finally approaches me on Friday, throwing her arm around my shoulders. I stiffen terribly at the contact, but if Sydney notices, she doesn't do anything about it. She leads me into the TV room, which is mostly empty- turns out people in the facility don't really like the loud noise of the TV. I don't mind it too much, though; if it can drown out the noise of my thoughts, I'm actually more than grateful for it.

I sit down on the couch and Sydney sits down at the end of the same couch, propping her legs up and placing them on my lap as she focus on the TV. We sit like that for a little. At some points, I'm convinced Sydney's about to say something to me, and I end up turning to her, but she quickly closes her mouth and turns her head right away. Finally, finally, the unbearable silence is broken when Sydney says, "You know what I really miss?"

I look at Sydney. She's only been at the clinic for, like, a week, so she can't exactly miss much. Then I think back to how homesick I felt in the first couple of days, and decide to stop being hypocritical. Instead, I ask, "What?"

"Music," she hums, eyes trained off in the distance. I frown; I've never been one to obsess music, or even find comfort in it, but by the look on Sydney's face, I know she did.

"I miss sketching," I tell her.

"You draw?"

I shrug, "Kind of? I mean, I always sucked at it. But I liked just sitting down by the window and scribbling nonsense. Teacher's would always get mad at me for doodling in class back in middle school, but I honestly couldn't help it."

Sydney gives me a small smile, but doesn't say much more than that. Her attention is back to the TV, but I can tell her eyes are distant.

The clock on the wall says it's time for lunch. Sydney gets up and begins to drag me to the lunchroom, despite my protests of not being hungry. We make it to our usual table, except it's not our usual table, because Danny isn't here, and neither is Sam. I sigh, sitting down with the food I grab. Sydney tries to talk to me, and she manages to make me crack a smile every now and then, but I don't have the energy to do anything more than offer her a fake grin.

Jake joins us quickly. I notice he's not getting worse- thank God- but he sure as hell isn't getting better. Bags have made their home under his eyes, which I hate, because they just look wrong on him. Jake should be the Jake I met the first time weeks ago- happy, tough, and joking about the irony of my last name and the fact that I almost drowned myself.