Dear Diary,
Today is the first day in a very long time that I just have time to enjoy to myself without going to work, going to the doctors, going to see family and friends. I guess why I am writing is just to reflect on my time on this earth. Yes this not going to be a good entry but I need to do this now or else I won’t have any other time to do it.
I woke up this morning and felt sad that the doctors only gave me five years from the time they diagnose me for heart failure. I was just as shock as my family and Kathy. I have idea how I have heart failure I didn’t know want to ask my parents if it runs in the family because that would just get me more upset. Kathy wanted to kill the doctor Todd when she heard what they diagnose me with. It took me, my mother and brother to get her not to kill the doctor Todd. Once we got Kathy to calm down my dad took her the waiting room and they both sat in the waiting room until I was done.
My mother had question on if there's anything that the family can to do make this easy for me meds that could prevent what is coming. Doctor Todd said that what I have is not curable which didn’t sit well with my mother and she wanted another opinion Doctor Todd to all of us even if we get more opinions the outcome with still be the same. Then he left and told us that he would be back a little later.
Mother came over to be and hugged me very tight I thought I was going to die right there in the room. I knew I wasn’t but that is what it felt like to me. Once she let up on the hug she told my brother to go get dad and Kathy they needed to talk about this and make a plan.
When the three of them return mom face was very blotchy from crying over what Doctor Todd had told us. My dad went over to my mother and hug her for a very long time I just wanted to go home and forget I even heard about my diagnoses. If there was a time I wish there is a rewind button that moment would be it. I couldn’t tell you how much I was hurting inside to see my parents go through so much pain in the time they went threw in the doctor office.
Once my face look normal again she told us that we are never to speak of this news ever unless we have to. I couldn’t agree more on that front and why would I tell anyone that I only have five years to live because I’m dying from heart failure?
Doctor Todd came back in the room to tell us that he wants to see me more often to keep on eye on my condition which my parents said yes to. He wanted me to take it easy and to try and cut my hours down at work or try to work from home if I could. I told him I will see what I could do. He wants me to go to a gym and see what equipment I like then start using it or have some kind of gym equipment in my house to keep my heart healthy. Call him if anything doesn’t feel right and he gave us him home phone number which I thought was very nice of him to do that. No stress whatsoever! He made that very clear because that will just not be good for me and I told him I will do what I can but stress is something in everyone life and that includes mine.
My father said he would keep the stress level at a minimal I’m glad he said that because I don’t know how I was going to do that since all I do is ripe and run all day. I just couldn’t wait to see what my father had instore me about the stress level I have. Then we were done being with Doctor Todd and went home. When we got home mom got a board and started making me a chart like I was a kid again and I had to follow this or else. I told her that this isn’t going to work I would check in either by phone or by person but the chart has to go. My mother wanted to argue with me then my father gave my mother a glare and she didn’t say another word to any of us. She put the chart down and slam her bedroom door and with that I was gone. I kiss my father and brother goodbye and left my mother a note.
Now here we are about five years later and I told my best friend what is going on a little bit in my world and I know she is freaking out but there is nothing I can do prayer won’t even work at this stage of my condition. I just got to hang tough and enough the days I have left on this earth.
