felicity ✧ tyrus

acceptance

ac·cep·tance
əkˈseptəns
noun
1.the quality of state of being accepted or acceptable
2.the act of accepting something or someone; the fact of being accepted; approval

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despite all of my hoping, andi and jonah kept doing more couple-y things. it's not like i was hoping they'd break up or anything, because i can tell they make each other really happy. i just hoped that the pain i felt when they were together would stop. maybe in the back of my mind i hoped that i'd somehow magically turn straight out of nowhere. but i didn't.

i started realizing i was truly lying to my best friends. and to me, that hurt even more than seeing andi and jonah did. i had to get this weight off of my chest.

i couldn't tell andi or jonah, at least not right now. or anytime soon for that matter. i love just being the good hair crew, eating baby taters after school everyday and talking and laughing and just having a good time. i didn't want to make things awkward between andi and i or between jonah and i. the good hair crew was really one of the only things that made me truly happy, i didn't want to ruin that happiness.

but i had to tell someone.

buffy.

i swallowed the lump in my throat and fought back tears as i texted buffy.

what do i say?

it needed to be simple. i didn't want her to worry.

"hey, can you meet me at the spoon in like 10?"

as i was waiting for her to reply, i tried to contain my anxiety as i kept replaying all the bad things that could happen in my head.

"faggot."

"i'm going to tell andi."

"nobody wants to hang out with a faggot."

what if she doesn't want to be my best friend anymore?

i'm starting to panic. i can't catch my breath. i can't breathe. i'm dying. fuck. i look down at my shaking hands as i try to take deep breaths, but apparently that's not going to happen, as the breaths i take just end up being small shallow breaths.

why me?

why couldn't i be straight?

why do i have to be so different?

why?

ding!

i try to calm down as i look at my phone and see that buffy texted me back.

buffy
yeah! everything ok?

me
yeah

buffy
ok then! see you in 10! :)
read 5:45 pm

this is it. the moment that could possibly break my friendship with buffy. i tried to focus on the fact that buffy would most likely be ok with it. i mean, she's buffy. the same girl who i've been best friend's with since 2nd grade. the same one that tries her best to make me feel better when i'm upset, and almost always ends up doing so. the same girl that tries to find the good in literally anyone. well, except that one kid on her basketball team.

i can do this. i'm nervous, but i think i can do it.

i get to the spoon a little bit early and just wait for buffy to come. she finally does, looking worried.
she tells me i'm scaring her. little does she know.

i'm scared.

i'm scared of these feelings.

i'm scared of myself, of what i've become. of the fact that i will never truly be normal.

of the fact that i'm different.

"i'm scaring me too." i say with a chuckle.

and then i just let it out. i tell her everything. but i didn't really need to tell her. she caught on. i didn't even have to say anything and i knew buffy accepted me.

it's an amazing feeling, really. being accepted is definitely one of the best feelings. especially when it's by someone you love. when it brings you closer together. as me and buffy were hugging, i couldn't help but smile. sure, it was an emotional moment for sure. but it was also truly happy.

i felt closer with buffy after leaving the spoon than i had before i came. i can't believe i thought even for a second she wouldn't be ok with it.

buffy's acceptance made me feel way better. months would go on where i felt like shit everytime i saw jonah and andi, but at least i was learning to accept myself better.

it doesn't feel as bad now.

✧

hey guys (: this isn't jyrus i swear

cyrus just has to meet a certain someone in order to realize his crush is gone ( ;