Unspoken Feelings

Birthday Letter

Yeah, yeah. My poems are kind of appalling. Art is simply not my cup of tea, but at least I tried right? Anyway, happy birthday.

First of all, I'm glad I met you. Even though we don't get along most of the time (since I like to annoy you) I'm still happy that you became a part of my senior high school years. In the short span of time that we had, you made me realized a lot of things. You made me understand myself more and for that I am grateful. Thank you for putting up with my weird attitude, for listening to my never ending dramas and for simple being there and not saying anything while I express my anger and frustration to the empty space.

I know I'm confusing, like always. I'm even having a hard time understanding myself especially when my mood swings drop by but you completely surprised me when you figured out how to go with the flow with me. It's just something I didn't expect from you. You know when to draw the line without me telling you, it's like you know how to read me. One of the things I totally like about you.

With you, I don't need to pretend since you know the real me and that alone speaks volumes. I was dumbstruck the first time you've said that it was OK to be what I really am. You understand. You didn't judge, you didn't criticize.

Even though you always wear that poker face, you're quiet and rude and with everything that makes you, YOU, still in my time of confusion it was you who helped me. It was you who hugged me while I cried because I'm broken hearted with the world. It was you who listen to me while I rumble about anything that doesn't make any sense. It was you who assist and carried me (was it piggyback?) since I can no longer walk because of too much drunkenness (which I would never admit if you ask me in person).

With you, I don't need to adjust. I actually wanted to especially after knowing how you feel with certain situations (like me talking to someone specific) but you said it's not needed since you have everything under control. I know you always kill your feelings to shield yourself from possible pain and that had assured me of your safety, making me do stupid things and not thinking about your feelings. (Sorry for that)

Do you still remember the time we stop talking to each other because of my stupidity? You'd probably forgotten it. It was the end of November. After a week of avoiding each other, you send me that animation pic, telling me that it reminds you of me then you said 'sorry'. I was actually the one at fault but you were the one who apologized. It made me like you more.

I was stupefied when you'd said you had a crush on me. (But of course I didn't show it. I was too hungry to process what you'd said anyway.) I was like "is he joking or something?" I mean, come on, you know me. There's nothing likable about me. Especially after seeing my situation. After all that chaos I brought up because of my shallow perspective. After what they said, I felt guilty. We both know why we're doing this and we know it's hovering over the outskirts of weirdness but I can't bring myself to stop this.

You bring a strange sense of comfort and I don't want to lose that.

I want to put myself first even just for now. You being selfish oddly made me feel better. It makes me feel less selfish having one selfish friend.

Sorry for being too demanding. For being too annoying, for over thinking too much and for everything else.

I wish you to be happy. I know right now you feel like you're standing still while life is passing by right in front of you. You're bored and sick with this dullness. There's nothing we can do about it much, all I can say is that change doesn't happened in a blink of an eye or even overnight (but you probably know this already) just try to enjoy the little things in life. What you're looking for will definitely arrive soon but while it haven't, find joy in the things you have. Like your barkada for instance. I can feel how important you are to them. They actually interrogated me after knowing our situation because they want what's best for you. I can also sense how supportive they are. They helped you in their own little ways and I know you noticed it too. Take good care of them. They are jewels.

Again Happy Birthday. I wish you the best.