hacker [e.d]

1.5

It was three in the morning, my hands running around the room, picking up each loss strand of clothing and piece of my breakdown that it could find. My head shook silently as I listened to 'I'll Be Good' on repeat, hoping to find something in it.

"I'll be good, I'll be good" I mumbled, eyes wide as I rummaged through it all.

An hour later and it was now four, the mess was gone and I still sang along, head pounding as I sat face up on the tethered carpet.

"And I'll love the world as I should" like a broken record player.

Now five, my phone had died yet I had not moved from the spot I was in, still singing the chorus as if the music was playing in my mind.

"I'll be good, I'll be good"

I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream at myself for feeling so numb. I had hurt myself, had done the worst I could possibly have done. And it was all my fault.

Now six I leaned up, back in my own bed, feeling sick of being useless.

I looked up to the ceiling of my room, the silence pouring in as I ran my eyes over the cracks of the white molding.

There was a pit in my stomach, the lacuna filled of guilt from the past year. The account, the people I hurt, Ethan, the list goes on. But there was something else there, something that made me want to get out of bed.

With the urge to dress nice, I rummaged through my now normal looking room to find a pair of jeans and a nice sweater. I slid my converse onto my feet as I jogged down the stairs, no one would be home, it was 'take your kids to work day' so neither my mom or Mason would be home. My dad was passed out in the living room, the computer still open on his lap.

I chuckled lightly to myself as I walked out of the house.

Today would be the day. Verità saw he last days a while ago, and I had succeeded in no one knowing I was. And the best part, there was hope. Stupid, unwanted hope of restarting with the person I had cursed mornings ago.

With my foot on the gas, driving to school seemed faster with the millions of reasons to go and see what was happening.

Stepping through the cream color doors with a smile on my face, I heard the buzz and the rumors, to which I suspected was about Ethan as I crossed the halls.

But the air was different, eyes followed me around corners. I felt my confidence shrink as I finally got to his hallway. I wish someone had told me what would happen, that I had some way of leaving such a humiliating scene before getting my heart ripped out again.

"She was all over me" he chuckled, piercing my ears with that laugh that could send you spiraling. My mouth fell open as I watched him brag to the growing crowd.

"Saying how much she missed me" he laughed again, everyone laughing with him.

Then his eyes found mine, the emotion circulating it was uncertain. He looked to open his mouth but there was another voice.

"YOU?" the girl yelled to me.

"Mal..." I whispered as she walked over to me. I could tell that the crowd had turned to face me, I knew he was enjoying every minute of this.

"I trusted you!!" she yelled, approaching me with anger burning from her stare.

I was speechless as I looked at her. Millions of excuses, reasons, popped up in my mind but no words could form as she continued to tear into me.

"All that bull shit of getting over him? Funny" she scoffed, "you're a miserable bitch"

She looked behind her, shaking her head, "and here he comes" her eyes met mine, my heart was in my throat, "running back to his latest hookup"

And with that she walked away, I wouldn't let myself cry. I couldn't.

And that was it. The moment I finally went numb. The moment reality slipped through my fingers and ended with me back at the wheel of that account.

The bell had rung, everyone had scattered to their class, yet I looked forward, ignoring the nagging voice behind me. As soon as everyone cleared from my view, I let a tear slip, wondering how worse this could get.

"Lil" I finally appealed as he walked in front of my eyes.

I looked up to him, "I lied"

His face molded to confusion, "what"

"I never loved you" I whispered slowly, "I loved who you pretended to be"

His face fell as he searched in my eyes, all I could do was look past him, "Lil-"

My stare was dull as I passed him, ignoring him as he called after me. The cool air hit my face as I exited the building, walking back out the way I came.

As I found comfort in my car seat, I pulled my phone out, scanning for the blue app, sealed with a white letter. Opening it, I logged into the account I could never bring myself to finally delete. In this moment, I was proud that I didn't.

I smiled lowly to myself, staring at the incoming messages roll in after all this time.

"I'm back"

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an; sorry mini writers block, I'm gonna try and update friday!! If i cant im so sorry, im gonna try my best though!!