Separate Ways - Byler

XI - I Wish You Love

The night had seemed endless. An infinite expanse of nothing but the cold, hollow emptiness that only existed within the darkness of the night -  and in the darkness of my life. Deep in the vacant depths of a world sapped of sunlight and the warmth only it can bring, there was nothing to distract me from the shadows that lurked and the dangers that lay hidden beneath Night's inky cloak, biding their time in wait of the perfect moment to pounce and destroy me.

My heart seemed to have relocated permanently and had lodged itself within my throat, choking me with every breath that I took and ensuring that sleep would be incapable of welcoming me into its sweet embrace. All I had wanted was to finally escape the catastrophe zone that my mind had become as thoughts as dangerous and ruthless as snake venom soared through my head, changing direction and adopting a different course of action with every passing moment. My mind had been set; a decision had been made - Tom or Mike, Mike or Tom - yet as the night had journeyed onwards and dawn drew ever closer, the foolish and impulsive devil on my shoulder continued to berate and assure me that I was dead wrong.

In keeping with something that was fast becoming the norm in my life, the unwelcome morning light arrived and urged me up and out of bed before sleep had succeeded in taking me under. I dressed with slow, unsteady movements to the sound of whichever record I had, quite irresponsibly, left on my turntable the last time I had used it with the hope that it would keep my mind busy and pleasantly distracted. I prepared myself for the day with not an ounce of focus and unseeing eyes, the result of which saw me attempting to put my shoe on a foot that had already been taken up by the other of the pair for at least five minutes before I even realised something was wrong. In the end, even with skipping breakfast, I arrived at my class ten minutes after it had started due to all of the time I had managed to waste that morning. You could say that I was subconsciously stalling, a feeble attempt at putting off a conversation with another who was in the very same room but I had always learned that such procrastination can never last forever. As my eyes scanned the area, my heart rate began to quicken as I saw him there. His long hair was falling into his face as he hunched over a notebook and scribbled down whatever words our professor was saying that I hadn't paid attention to even a single word of since I had stepped through the door in a whirlwind of false, mumbled apologies and eyes trained steadfastly on the ground.  Part of me was desperate to speak with the boy who had once held all of my dreams in his two hands and I craved his proximity as surely as a drowning man gasps for air the moment that his head finally breaches the surface of the water; however, the other half urged me to run as far from the building as physically possible in order to avoid the dark and tumultuous road ahead of us that only I was privy to.

A blank page, as undisturbed and pure as fresh snowfall on a winter's morning, haunted me from my notebook as everyone around me gathered their things in order to leave. It appeared that the class had ended without my knowledge and people had begun making their swift exits with the purpose of going to our next lecture. I hurriedly tossed everything into my bag and headed towards the retreating backs of my classmates and, in the moment that I witnessed those glorious dark curls get flung backwards as the boy to whom they belonged let out a deep laugh that echoed throughout the hallway from quite a few rows ahead of me, I very nearly said: "Fuck it, I'll throw it all away for you. There's nothing I need more than hearing that laugh every day for the rest of my life." It took all of my resolve to restrain myself, it was not the time nor the place for such declarations.

As the day progressed, I found it to be increasingly difficult to keep my head below the clouds and in the room around the boy I still truly loved. With every stolen glance, my heart would beat loud enough to drown out the rest of the meaningless world around me and I longed to beg him to kiss me; to run away with me, if he would. Thus, I had taken to avoiding him. I had ventured alone to the very back of every classroom; I had waited long enough that he would be far ahead of me in the waves of the crowd, as we all sailed towards our next class, before leaving my own seat to join my unwitting companions. However, as I have stated, procrastination cannot last forever...especially when you are a traitor unto yourself.