Song: i hate u, i love u by gnash (feat. Olivia O'Brien)
~
"If you aren't here by tomorrow morning, I will call the police and report you as a kidnapping."
Mrs. Howell's words rang through the air even after she hung up. A fearsome silence filled the thick air and the only movements in the room was Dan shaking with the feeling of petrified running through his veins, his tears running down his face as he silently stared at Phil.
"I'm so s-so sorry, Phil," Dan cried into Phil's shirt. "I-I just m-mess e-everything up. I sh-should just k-k-kill myself."
"No!" Phil clenched the back of Dan's shirt into his fists, his eyes welling up with new tears. "I'm not going to lose you too Dan."
"W-What do you mean 'you too'?" Dan asked as he pulled back from Phil's shirt to look him in the eye.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," Phil stated as he moved his hands in motions meaning to forget about it. "Just, forget I ever said that."
"No," Dan pushed Phil's shoulders, not making him move an inch. "Tell me!"
"Why does it matter?" Phil explained, his voice getting louder with rage. "Why do you care?" Dan just stared at the older boy wondering why he wasn't answering his question and how Dan wanted to ask Phil those two questions too.
"I'm sorry Phil," Dan waved his hands as he wrapped his arms around the blue-eyed boy's waist. "I shouldn't pressure you like that." Phil just nodded slowly before another silence was placed upon them both.
All Phil wants to do is be happy again, no stress in his life, his recent depression to fade away, he wants to be happy again. But, he can't. Not if Dan's here. Ever since Dan has come into Phil's life he's just caused stress and problems to Phil. I mean, Phil wouldn't trade him for the world but, Dan is a handful and he needs to be taken care of correctly, not just treated like everyone else.
"I-I th-think you should go home now, Dan." Phil interrupted the silence. Dan's heart stopped. He stopped blinking. The air from his oxygen tank stopped pushing air through the translucent tubes. The world stopped. Everything stopped.
"What d-do you mean Phil?" Dan cried as he looked up at Phil. "Don't you love me?"
Phil stared into the broken brown eyes of the younger boy thinking about how much he's been through. He has an abusive father, his mum doesn't love him nor care about his happiness, he self-harms, has an eating disorder, and now he has Cancer. Phil didn't want to hurt Dan even more than his father did, or the feeling he got when he quit eating, or the pain Dan felt when his blade pressed to his skin. But, Phil loved him more than anyone ever did, and he wanted the best for Dan. Even if that meant hurting him.
"I do love you, Dan," Phil began as he chose his words very carefully. "But, I want the best for you and if that means you have to go home, then, you have to go home."
Dan stared into the blue-eyed boy with utter disbelief. He couldn't believe how Phil wanted Dan to leave him. Phil doesn't know what has happened to Dan at home, only the things he chose to tell him. Phil doesn't know about everything.
"You want the best for me?" Dan pointed at himself as his eyes narrowed. "Oh Phil, you don't know what it's like to be me. No sir. You've never had a dad that beats you everytime he catches a glimpse at you just because you're gay and emo and a terrible son. You don't know what it's like to starve yourself for years and eventually have to go to the hospital to get treatment but, your mum says you don't need it. You don't know what it's like to have a mum that gives a shit less about what happens to you or if you don't ever come home. You don't know what it's like to cut daily because your life sucks and cutting is a better thing to do rather than kill yourself. And you certainly don't know what it's like to have Cancer." Phil's jaw has been dropped for a while now, Dan took another deep breath as he didn't breath while he was telling Phil off. "So, Phil Lester, you have no idea what is best for me obviously instead of being here. This is the only place where I'm safe and I'm not even welcome where I'm safe at. Alright, thank you for letting me know that."
"But, your mum said that if you don't go home she'll say that I kidnaped you and I'll go to jail and-" Phil didn't get a chance to answer before Dan began yelling again.
"She would do that anyways! She wants everyone I love and everyone that actually cares about me to suffer. She's just saying that so I can go back home to her and be miserable and eventually kill myself." Dan cried as he stood close to the stairs now. "Do you even care Phil?" Phil didn't answer. He just stared at Dan who was sure in hell pain. "Oh, I see," Dan began. "You only care about yourself. Alright, I'll just go kill myself so you don't get arrested." Dan began running up the stairs.
"Daniel! No!" Phil screamed as he ran in pursuit after Dan.
Dan got to Phil's bathroom and quickly slipped in, locking the door behind.
"Dan! Please! No!" Phil cried as he banged hard on the door. "Don't kill yourself!"
But, Dan didn't seem to care about Phil's pleads. Dan looked through Phil's mirror cabinet and saw the many pills in locked bottles that could save an infants life. But, not a suicidal teenagers life. The many pills slipped so easily into Dan's hot, heated hand from the nervousness. Soon his hand would be cold and whiter then Phil's skin.
"Dan!" Phil continued banging on the door, his sobs getting louder. "Please don't take your life away from me!"
The tan, brown-eyed boy still didn't care. The many pills began slipping down Dan's throat, he could feel every single one of them meet in his stomach as he began to get more dizzy. Soon, the tan boy fell to the ground along with the very few pills left in his hand and everything became blurry and black. But, the last thing he saw was a broken blue-eyed boy appearing in the doorway kneeling to his side and crying.
--
Sorry I broke the daily updates promise! I told you I would! Things aren't so good rn with my frens and I (we're not fighting just, a lot of problems are happening for each of us. A lot of serious things) So, I'm so so sorry. I'm currently crying as I'm writing this so, yeah. Dunno why I wrote that and kept that but, I'm going to. I may take a break from writing for the sake of my mental health but, I may not so, you'll see. I'm working on six new phanfics that haven't been posted yet, so, look forward to that.
Please remember: You are valid and you are so special to me and you deserve everything and anything that you need/want. Make sure to eat something, stay safe, and stay alive! II-//
luv u!!! (#^.^#)
