Lost (Negovanman)

Safe

'Talk about what happened? Shit.. I don't want to talk about what happened. But I owe her some sort of explanation as to why the hell I stood in front of her door at 3 am. It's just... I don't even know why I did.'

She goes to sit up in the bed leaning against the headboard and starts playing with her fingers because she somehow couldn't look her in her eyes as she was finding the words to explain it to her.
"I don't know, El. I just wasn't in the right mind space to begin with. I went for a walk to clear my head of all these negative thoughts and I just.. I kept on walking and I kept feeling like shit and somehow ended up here. You always make me happy when I'm sad so I guess my mind went to like a default mode which just happened to be.. you." Her eyes shoot up to meet Elise's but almost immediately focuses back on her fingers. She was so surprised by her own honesty that she had to clear her throat to shake off the feeling and felt the need to end that truthful moment with some sarcasm. "Sooo here I am... Tadaaa." she says with an over exaggerated voice and a sarcastic smile to boot.

Elise clears her throat as well and her eyes are big. "Wow, that's... okay wow. First off, I feel honored that you feel that way around me. It means you feel safe with me and I want you to know that you are. I'm so glad that you came to me and I want you to know that I am okay with that. You are always welcome, no matter what."
Natasha was still playing with her fingers and unable to look her in her eyes but Elise could see a smile forming on her face before her own attention went to Natasha's hands, feeling the need to dig a little deeper. "Wh- what did you mean when you said negative thoughts?"

Natasha visibly deflated hearing the question, knowing that if she had to really think about it, it would probably bring her back to feeling like shit. But having Elise there made it a bit more bearable so maybe it's not so bad to lay it all on the table.
"I don't know how to describe it. I don't think I want to." she says as she exhales and closed her eyes. "I just felt.. lost." Her eyes become prickly as a couple of tears want to make an appearance but she pushes them back nonetheless. "And I don't understand why because I'm so lucky to have the things that I have; great friends, family, an awesome job, you name it! But last night it all felt so very.. small."

Once again surprised by opening up like this her eyes get big and are met by Elise's supporting ones telling her to go on. She takes another breath and looks to the window instead. "It's like I'm watching someone else's life. Because most people don't see the real me, they can't or don't want to see the real me. I know this job comes with a certain responsibility and I guess we added more on that by trying to fight for what we believe in, for what is right and use all this has brought us for the good, and I'm not saying that I don't love this. I love what I'm doing I really do, it just has it's ups and it's downs I guess. But the feeling of constantly having to watch what I am saying or doing, to hide who I am hanging out with or who I am dating in order to keep them protected, it just sucks sometimes. Being under a fucking looking glass, constantly aware, it's starting to wear me down right now."

She looked back down to her hands and sighs. "Sometimes I just want to take a step back from it all, you know, not giving a fuck what everyone else thinks about me or what I do and just be.. me.. and do whatever the fuck I want. But I'm so scared that if I do that, that life could be gone in an instant, just like that and I've worked so hard to be where I am today that I just keep on going and going." She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. "My mind kept going, so I got out off my apartment trying to escape my thoughts and just started walking."
She looks up from her hands for second, connecting with Elise's eyes and looks back down. With a small voice she continues, "You see me though. I don't have to pretend when I'm with you. You keep me so fucking grounded. That's what I needed. I guess that's why in the middle of the night I literally ended up at your doorstep."