Lost (Negovanman)

Awakening

'What the fuck do I do now?'

"Nat? I don't want to ignore this anymore. We need to talk about this."

"Please.. Elise.."

"It's not like last time, Nat! We're done filming, there's nothing holding us back this time! No contracts, no series, at least not right now.." She looks down for a second trying to find the courage to keep going. "We can't just keep putting our lives on hold just because maybe there's a chance that this Carmilla thing keeps on going. Especially since there is still something there, something between us. I felt it last night, I felt it this morning when we woke up together and I felt it again just now."
Everything seems to come out like a tidal wave now, as if she was sitting on this forever.

"Elise.." she says as she still hasn't turned around. Keeping her gaze steady on the hand that's firmly gripped on to the door handle.

"And I think you felt it too."

She can almost feel Elise's eyes piercing a hole into her back now. "Elise, please.. just don't-"

"I know you're scared!"

Natasha turns around, almost surprised by her own actions as she is about to pour her heart out. "I'm not scared, I'm terrified! I don't know what to do but I don't want to mess this up, I don't want to mess us up.. I can't lose you! I.. I gotta go. I'm sorry." She drops her head in defeat as she turns around to hide the tears forming in her eyes.

"Please.." As Natasha closes the door behind her she leaves Elise standing there with an empty stare. "..don't go.." she almost whispers. She takes a few steps to the front door putting her hand on the door handle to open it and run after her but she hesitates in doing so, thinking she doesn't want to make things worse by going after her. "Fuck." she mumbles under her breath and let's go of the door handle. Pulling her hand hand through her hair she looks away feeling angry with herself, disappointed in how she has handled things maybe. Thinking she could've gone about things in a different way but then again, it had to come out in the open. There wasn't going to be a better time than this.

--

Natasha is walking towards the elevator at a fast pace as she whipes away a stray tear with the back of her hand and let's out an unsteady breath as she hits the elevator button way too hard. "What the fuck have I done?" she says quietly as she enters the elevator which had just arrived. She goes to lean against the railing as the elevator doors close in front of her, the view of Elise's front door disappearing behind them. Once again she was lost in her thoughts. Not sure if she even acknowledged the fact that for the elevator to move to the ground floor she would actually have to press the floor button, but instead she just stood there as she began to process what had just happened.

'Everything that Elise said was right. Nothing is holding us back. She wants to move further, she actually wants to and here you are, in an elevator that isn't even moving because you're fucking scared! After all this time the feelings are still there.. for both of us, not just you. It's what you want and yet this is the thing that frightens you the most.'

Her mind starts to flash back to filming the series with Elise. It all began way back then, from the very first day they met at the auditions. She didn't say; "If I get cast, that's my Laura." for nothing.

Never knowing Elise felt that same spark until that one day they decided to practice their first kiss in the wardrobe room, just so they wouldn't be that nervous when they had to kiss in front of the camera for the ending of season one. Both of them got a little carried away with the kiss, the 'practice' one and the actual filmed kisses, but just waved them off as jitters as insecurity and shyness hit them. Natasha fell for her right then and there and from then on she knew she was going to be in for a bumpy ride.

Then they started filming season two and the unscripted kiss happened. She was freaking out so hard on the inside when she realised what she was doing until Elise reciprocated the kiss which almost took Natasha's breath away. Actually, almost every kiss that season seemed to be going on longer than planned, Elise being the instigator, going in for second kisses as if she couldn't stop herself. They both knew they couldn't ignore it anymore so after some careful confessions they told each other how they felt. But after the long talk that followed they both decided to focus on their careers instead. 'Love doesn't mean the same thing to everyone.'

'I think we both kinda pushed everything back since then, I know I have. But some of it always definitely seemed to bleed through.
There was a time back when we were filming season three where things got a little.. carried away. I can definitely say that some of those scenes were more Natasha than Carmilla and I think it's safe to say that Elise was having that problem as well. Grinding up on me like that.. fuck.. It drove me fucking crazy, trying to remember my lines after something like that, making it look like it was something that Carmilla enjoyed instead of me. 'No reason we can't have fun whenever we like.'

And don't even get me started on the fricking movie! I'm not even sure if Carmilla even made an appearance in those scenes! I had some serious trouble trying to get those feelings burried again after that.

Now I admit that we both may have had some growing to do. If we had gone into that relationship all the way back then, I don't think we would have lasted. So it was a good thing we both made the decision to just leave it be.
Ever since, I've felt the need to have everything Carmilla related to be wrapped up before taking the next step into a relationship between us. I just figured Elise lost those feelings along the way and forgot about us in the time that had passed.

But the past night.. today, it has been an awakening... for both of us.' 
A little smile appears as the feeling of waking up next to her comes back to mind.
'There maybe more to come career wise; prime time series, a second movie maybe and I don't want to give up being Carmilla but I don't want to wait any longer, I don't think I can. I just.. I want to be with Elise.'

"What am I doing? I don't want to leave!"

She punches the floor button to open the doors which isn't going fast enough for her so she rapidly keeps pressing the button till she can push the doors open further by herself. Now with an even faster pace she's almost running to Elise's front door.
As she stands in front of it she holds up her hand, turning it into a fist ready to knock on her door. Her chest is rising up and down faster and her heart is beating so fast, thumping in her chest like a drum as she is finding the courage to do just that, to knock on that door, but instead she closes her eyes for a moment and let's out a breath she didn't know she was holding in, letting her hand fall to her side in the process. 'Calm down, do this right..'

Suddenly the door opens fast and before she can even look up to acknowledge her, Elise bumps into Natasha. After taking a few steps back by the force and finally looking up at her she sees a wide eyed Elise in the door opening.

"Hey!" Elise says first with a shocked expression.

"Hey!" Natasha responds with an equally shocked expression. Both girls breathing shallowly as Natasha's eyes shoot from Elise's eyes to her lips causing Elise to do the same.