If Only You Knew...

I'm in love with my best friend.

Yeah...I guess I'll start with that.

Putting those words down feels like I'm stripping a thousand pound weight from my chest and taking a massive hit of fresh air.

I know this is the worlds oldest story.

Girl meets boy. 

They become best friends. 

Girl falls for boy (or vice versa). Girl cripples under the unrelenting weight of her affection, which she is too terrified to express.

Boy dates other girls while best friend watches wishing that could be her. 

Girl admits her feelings and eventually loses boy.

Life moves on.

That story isn't new, but it's my story I guess.

I never knew how I kept that secret for so long, and how he never noticed.

How he never noticed my stare when we'd have long conversations up until 3am. Or how my mood would change when they'd start talking about another girl.

I didn't even know how I managed. Being in love with your best friend isn't easy.

Whenever I'd look at their pained face, wanting to take it away. When they'd be sad cause some girl rejected them, wanting to reassure them that someone was out there that would never make them feel lonely again. How did I not manage to let it slip up during a conversation that not only is someone going to love them, but that, that somebody has been in front of them the whole time?

So for all those people who are attracted to their best friend,I just wanna ask a couple questions:

How do you watch them flirt with other girls and not die a little more inside each time? How do you counsel them through bad dates and not scream 'Choose me, choose me!' as the answer to all of their struggles? How do you learn all the darkest and twisted and most shameful parts of another person's heart and not ache to pour all of your love into them? How do you fucking survive it?

Because I'm absolutely dying over here.

I'm scared that if I tell him how I feel, I'm going to lose him-bit by tiny, inconspicuous bit.

I'm scared to tell him because the only thing worse than being silently in love with your best friend is the thought of losing him completely.

And so for now, I bear the agony. I suffer in silence. I move through the torture.

And I hope that someday, in some capacity, I can become brave enough to let him know the truth.

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Okay so I'm really gonna try with this story, to actually finish it and make it my best. I can't make any promises.

I've been thinking about this story for a little bit and finally decided to write it. Hopefully I can finish it.

Also if you have any suggestions on what you'd like to see please leave some comments because I'd love to hear them.

That's all for now.

I can't wait!