Sometimes We Fall... (Brustoff)

6. Working against my own body

Hey guys :) Hope y'all doing good ♥ 
I have nothing to say exept: THANK YOU ♥ ^^

Here is the next chapter :) 

________________________

6. Working against my own body.

Denis breathed heavily after finishing the sixth song. He didn't take a look behind him during the whole show. He neither looked at Ben nor Cam nor James nor Sam. He was totally focused on the crowd. It was the only thing he wanted to see, wanted to realize at the moment. It was hot in the venue and everyone took a sip from their water bottles from time to time, besides Denis. He had rushed through the set, but now, after almost the half of their setlist, he felt a lot worse than before. He felt light headed, it was hot as fuck and everything stared to spin around him. He needed some fucking water, but his body wasn't able to keep anything in anymore. He would be puking it out right on stage. So he had to go through this. He still was giving everything, but he felt different this time. Inside! He felt so delusional... disaffected. He wasn't feeling alright any longer.
"Applause for this machine please!"
Denis looked up surprised and breathing heavily. Ben stood on the mic: "You're killing it again, mate."
Ben throw him a bottle of water: "Here get something to drink."
Ben acted cool. He smiled. Funny stuff came out of his mouth, but it was his eyes speaking: "What are you doing to yourself?"
I wish I'd knew. Denis looked at the bottle skeptically. He couldn't... Ben focused on the crowd again, talking some deep, poetic shit, while Denis was battling himself. Just a little sip! He still was thinking that this was no good idea. Denis took a sip and cooled his neck with some water. He let Ben finish and continued the set. It was getting worse with every minute. Everything was spinning around him and his energy level was fading rapidly. He felt exhausted. Denis wanted to fall down and never have to get up! Never! He wanted to fade...to be forgotten. He wanted to disappear!
"How are you feeling tonight?", he shouted into the mic. His voice cracked at the end but no one seemed to take that serious. The crowd screamed and he smiled.
"I can't hear you!"
He tried to catch breath, while the crowd was freaking out.
"Thank you all for being here tonight. Thank you for being on this journey with us. Every one of you is appreciated. No matter if you have seen us before or if this is your first time... we love you!
Loud noises, screaming, clapping from the crowd.
"You are fucking awesome."
Words that meant something... Words that had used to come from the bottom of his heart.
"We love every single one of you!"
True! But he felt no passion. It was more like a duty to say it. To keep his damn, fucking mask he was showing them for far too long now.
"The next one is for every single one of you! I need you all to sing it with me! As loud as you can. Can you do this for me?"
It was like he didn't have to think about his words. They came out automatically like his head would play a fucking audiotape. The others started to play the intro and the crowd freaked out once more. Denis smiled.
"This is all for you!", he said and started to sing.

"If my heart could sing, would you stay?
Would you stay and listen?
Would you stay and listen?

If my soul was torn, would you help?
Would you try and fix me?
Would you help un-break me?

Your smile, it eats me alive
And I can't turn away any longer"

His voice drowned it the chant of the crowd. He could only hear them singing the words he was supposed to sing.

"Every breath you take,
I watch you slip away
You're slowly killing yourself
I won't give in!"

The crowd freaked out. Denis sang his soul out and was giving everything. Everything to numb the pain in his chest. He looked at Ben who played his part with such an energy. Your smile it eats me alive. Denis had to focus, he couldn't get himself distracted by the beautiful man on his right. Or by the happiness in his eyes. Or his damn cute locks dancing around his head. The song went on and Denis and everyone else in the hall were singing their souls out.

"Every breath you take,
I watch you slip away
You're slowly killing yourself
I won't give in!"

Denis felt a pain in his chest. What was he doing here? How could he do this? The words came out automatically. He didn't have to think.

"Every breath you take,
I watch you slip away
You're slowly killing yourself
I won't give in!

I gave you everything
I never thought we would end up like this."

Denis just stood there after finishing, watching the crowd freaking out. He breathed heavily. How? How could he stand here? How could he say those words? He stared at the crowd in disbelief. Disbelief in himself. He lied! All the time! Every word that came out of his mouth was a big fucking lie. How could he tell them all those things? He told them they were beautiful, when he didn't even know what beautiful meant anymore. He told them to love themselves, when he hated his own reflection. He told them to fight, when he gave up fighting a while ago. He told them he wouldn't give in, when he already had. How could they look at him? How could he be so fake towards them? How could he lie to them without even thinking? He lied. He lied. He lied. Over and over and over again. To himself. To his closest friends. To the people that idolized him. To everyone! He was a liar, a freak, a mess. He didn't felt his body anymore. He was numb. He couldn't hold himself up anymore. His legs wouldn't carry him any longer. His vision blurred. He was empty. Nothing left. He didn't feel a thing. Everything he wanted. But why was it no relief? Why did he felt even worse than before? He tried to take a few steps, continue the show but his legs gave in. They couldn't carry him anymore. He tried to catch balance but he fell. He stumbled a few steps backwards, fell and though he would hit the ground, but he didn't . He felt arms wrapped around his torso, and his shoulders sunk against a warm chest. Sam was there to catch him.
"Fuck Denis", he heard Sam's voice from anywhere in a distance. It was like he was far away and spoke from above to him. But Sam was right next to him.
"Denis can you hear me? Fuck!"
Denis held on to Sam's shoulder and straightened up himself: "I'm okay. Just a little dizzy."
That was an understatement. His vision was blurred and is head hurt.
"You need to get some water."
Sam grabbed his own water bottle and gave it to Denis. Ben joined them with a worried look: "Hey mate. Fuck, you're okay?"
Denis nodded and gave Sam back his bottle without having a single sip: "I just tripped over my own feet. It's okay."
Denis felt the lack of energy and how his body wouldn't stand this much longer. I have to finish. I owe them to finish the show. At least that! Sam stared at the bottle in disbelief and then looked up to Denis: "For fuck's sake, take that damn water! You need some!"
Both, Ben and Sam looked at him. This was too much pressure. Denis tried to control his breath and took the bottle with shaking hands. Fuck! Sam looked at him skeptically, but he didn't say anything, which Denis was glad for. He opened the bottle with shaking hands. This was no good idea. Denis knew he would feel sick on stage. But he had to face this. Maybe this was right. Maybe this was his fair punishment. Yeah! He deserved this! He deserved feeling sick, for being such a worthless mess. For losing control. And especially for lying to fucking everyone! He forced down the water and emptied the bottle. His stomach started to hurt as soon as he finished. Yeah...This is what I deserve! He sighed and gave Sam back the empty bottle.
"You're sure you can continue?"
Ben placed his hand on Denis' shoulder, what made him feel like he was floating. His stomach turned upside down and Denis could not say how that felt. If it hurt or if it was a pleasure. Kind of both maybe. No! It hurts! I deserve no pleasure. Denis nodded: "Yeah! I can. I won't let them down."
Lie! He already had!