Sometimes We Fall... (Brustoff)

8. Why can't you just hate me?

AN at the end of the chapter ^^

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8. Why can't you just hate me?

Ben sat on the floor next to Denis' bed with closed eyes, waiting for anything to happen. Waiting for Denis to wake up. He had sent a text to James, saying that he found Denis. He didn't tell them about Denis being totally wasted. He didn't want them to worry. Not yet. They would know soon enough. Ben felt so bad. This was his fault. It wasn't supposed to come this far, if he had noticed sooner. Why didn't I notice? Ben ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. He turned his head a bit and watched Denis sleeping. He had dark shadows under his eyes, his cheeks were sunken, his hair looked dry and dead and his skin was ashen. Ben had been so blind. He wasn't there when Denis obviously had needed him. He had let Denis down. Ben slipped a lonely stray of Denis' hair out of his face and sighed again.
"You can't leave me Denis. I need you. How did it come this far?"
Ben hid his face in the sheets, kneeling next to Denis' bed, grabbing Denis' hand and holding it. Just to make sure he was there. To make sure he wouldn't disappear. He mumbled into the sheets: "I was so scared."
He knew Denis couldn't hear him, but Ben continued speaking: "Why didn't you tell me? Oh wait... Because I'm a stupid idiot. I wasn't there for you Den... I'm so sorry. I... I'm sorry."

Ben woke up sitting on his knees, his head resting on Denis' bed. He woke up because the mattress shifted and Denis' hand in his own disappeared. Ben snapped up his head. He didn't remember falling asleep, so he didn't know how long he had slept. He needed a moment to realize the situation, before he stood up and rushed into the bathroom, where he found Denis, hanging over the toilet, choking. Denis felt sick and he wanted to throw up, but he couldn't. There was simply nothing left. He was empty. Ben kneeled down next to Denis and wanted to comfort him by patting his back. Denis flinched away under Ben's sudden touch.
"Please", he whined: "Please Ben, leave me alone! I don't want you to see me like this."
He didn't want Ben to see him at all.
"You're stupid if you think that I will leave you. Not again! I'm staying! That's what friends are for."
Denis bit his bottom lip and lifted his head. He looked in Ben's worried eyes for a moment and nodded. He didn't want to argue. He had no energy left for protesting.
"I feel sick..."
Ben nodded his head: "Not a surprise. Do you... Do you remember last night?"
Denis hesitated, but then he nodded. Ben lifted his hand and whipped a stray of Denis' messy hair out of his face. The black haired froze under Ben's warm touch. He didn't really want anyone to touch him. But what that little gesture did to Denis felt so good. He stared at Ben, who looked sad at him: "Why did you took those pills Denis?"
Denis turned down his face and stared on the floor.
"I wanted to sleep", he mumbled. Ben grabbed his chin and made Denis look at him: "You don't take that much pills to fall asleep, Denis."
Denis didn't know how much pills he had taken exactly.
"How...How much did I take."
"A lot."
Denis closed his eyes. He couldn't look at Ben. He couldn't stand Ben looking at him like this... worried.... caring... like Denis was the only thing that mattered.
"Denis please."
"I.. I didn't care. I wanted sleep. I wanted to see and feel absolutely nothing. And I... I didn't care if I'd live or die."

Denis squeezed his eyes shut to hold back the tears. He didn't want to look at Ben. He didn't want to see the hate, the disgust, he would probably see in Ben's eyes. He expected Ben to leave or yell at him. But Ben didn't leave. And he didn't yell. Instead he wrapped his arms around Denis' bony shoulders and pulled him into a tight, long hug. Ben just felt the urge to be as close to Denis as possible. Last night he had been so close on losing him. Never! Never ever in his life he wanted to feel like he did last night. He never wanted to let Denis go. He wanted to hold him forever! Denis heard Ben sob: "I love you Denis."
The words slipped out as they always had done, but this time it was different. Ben didn't want to say "I love you, Denis".
They sat there, arms wrapped around each other in silence, until Denis pulled away and leaned against the wall. He leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes. He felt exhausted and weak... and like always...disgusting. Nothing had changed. Ben sat next to him starring at the opposite wall. They just sat there in silence for an eternity. Well, it felt like that. Ben looked at him: "Denis?"
Nothing. Denis just turned his face away even more.
"Denis look at me!"
He couldn't. He just couldn't.
"Denis please!"
"Ben I can't. You should go."
"Why?"
Because I'm disgusting. Because I don't deserve your attention. Because I don't want you to see the mess I am. Because... you're making it all worse. He did by sitting next to him. By releasing this odd feeling in Denis' chest, like a thousand fires burned on his skin, by making his heart bumping faster and his breath going uneven.
"I won't go."
Ben wanted to touch Denis' shoulder, wanted to tell Denis that everything was going to be fine, if he just let him help. He just wanted to be there for Denis. But Denis slapped away his hand.
"Don't! Don't touch me. Don't..."
You already did too much for me, Ben!
Denis wrapped his arms around his knees and hid his face.
"Just go! Please", he whined. Don't waste your time!
"Denis..."
Ben's voice was just a weak whisper. It tore him apart, seeing Denis like this. Ben felt so powerless. He didn't know what was wrong, he didn't understand. He didn't understand why all of this happened. Last night... The last few weeks that Denis obviously had tortured himself... When Ben first met this black haired Ukrainian, Denis was full of happiness and motivation. Ben never had seen someone putting that much effort in what he loved as Denis did. But now...? All this happiness was faded. And Ben didn't understand why. He just knew that Denis wasn't alright at all. Everything had seemed fine, everything had seemed amazing. But now reality hit him...right in the face. Nothing was fine! Nothing was amazing! Even if he didn't know what, something was totally wrong.

"Denis please. I'm here. I'm listening. Please tell me what's wrong."
"I'm fine. Please! Leave me alone Ben!"
"You're not fine."
You're right. I'm not. But he couldn't tell Ben. Telling him would not make anything better. Probably it would make it worse. Why didn't Ben leave? Why did he stay? Why couldn't Ben just leave him alone? Ben couldn't stand this any longer. Seeing Denis so...decayed...fallen apart...helpless. He couldn't leave Denis here on his own. Ben wrapped his arms around Denis' shoulders and pulled him closer.
"It's okay, Den. I'm here."
Denis leaned his forehead against Ben's shoulder. Why? How could he stay? With him... With this mess...this disgusting, worthless mess. It felt like hours. Ben just held him. He just sat there holding him... Was there, wasting his time with him. Ben felt Denis' tears wetting his shirt, but that was okay, he didn't care. He sighed: "How the fuck did you end up here, Denis?"
If you don't hate me until now, you will after I told you.
"Denis."
Ben tried to grab his chin but Denis slapped away Ben's hand once more.
"Why are you doing this to yourself, Denis? I mean... I don't understand."
Denis pulled his knees closer and rested his head on them, hiding his face and biting his bottom lip tight. Ben sighed:
"Okay... Fine. You don't have to tell me."
Ben pulled him closer into the side hug: "But... Denis I beg you, let me help. Tell me what I can do. At least through this remaining days. Don't hide any longer. You don't have to. Tell me what you want me to do!"
"You don't understand. You can't understand", Denis sobbed: "I can't. I lied. I lied to everyone. I am a liar. I'm a hypocrite. I'm not...Denis. Not anymore."
"Bullshit", Ben whispered: "You're still Denis. You're still the one I... the one I met a year ago. Maybe you have changed but... this... doesn't make you a different person for me. You're still my friend... Our friend. And I... love you."
He did! Denis laughed bitter. Please Denis! I'm begging you. Believe me!
"How can I help you? Tell me! I'd do anything."
Denis sighed: "How? I don't know."
Ben ran his fingers through Denis' messy hair: "Then I'll figure something out. I promise."

Denis lifted his head. I wish you could promise me anything, Benjamin. But he nodded. He didn't know why. Maybe he just wanted to believe Ben's comforting words. Yeah... He was sick fighting against himself. He was sick of hiding. He was sick of himself being a mess. Maybe... Ben gave him something like hope. Ridiculous. He didn't even remember what hope felt like. But he wanted to believe that what he felt, that warm comfy tickle in his stomach, was something like hope. He nodded and whispered: "Okay."
Ben pulled him into another hug and Denis let it happen. He couldn't explain himself how Ben could do this over and over again, but it felt kind of nice. He felt safe and... yeah...wanted in Ben's embrace. He couldn't resist that feeling. He couldn't resist Ben's smell, his puppy dog eyes, his smile... Even for that I am too weak.
"I love you, Denis", Ben mumbled against Denis' shoulder. And again! He had said it before. He had said it to Sam, he had said it to James, he had said it to Cameron, and he had said to Denis. But this time he wanted to say something different. Not "I love you, Denis". He wanted to say words that expressed his feelings better. Words he had wanted to say for a long time. He didn't want to say "I love you, Denis", he wanted to say: "Denis, I'm in love with you". 

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Hey guys ^^ Sooo this was chapter 8 :) What do you think? ;) 
I wanted to tell you that this story is slowly comming to an end ... Maybe faster than you think ^^  I hope you guys will like it :) 
Also HUGE thanks to everyone who made it so far :) I really appreciate it ♥ ♥

Have a good time ;) I read you in the next chapter ;) ♥