Amanda's murder a #dark Simanda story

Chapter 5: what if / we are here

Simon's POV:

Suddenly i got snapped out of my toughts by the soft voice of one the paramedics.

''we're  here mr.Cowell. "the paramedic said softly.
And all i could mutter was a shakily "thank you for telling me."

Before that one sentence / those two words shot through my head:
what if?

What if i could've saved Amanda or what if she would never met have Chris?

And before i knew it i muttered those two so hated words out loud. "What if what mr.Cowell?" another paramedic asked while he opened the back of the ambulance.

''What if i could have saved her?'' I asked while tears started to stream down my face.

''Then i am sure you would've been very happy together.'' The paramedic said kindly before he lifted Amanda's gourney out of the ambulance.

"Thank you i think so too" I said while i slowly got out of the ambulance.

And without thinking i suddenly said outloud: "we're here Mandy."

"And we are about to become parents again darling." I added before that stonecold realization suddenly kicked in again.

There is / was no we anymore because one of us had been so brutually murdered.

Only i am / was still there or  maybe i should say a faint copy of who i once was  is still here /there.

Because i don't feel like myself anymore without my Mandy.

When i got out of the ambulance the cold wind cut / went through me like Chris his knife probably went rentlessly through the body of my beautifull Mandy.

I suddenly froze when i saw / watched how the paramedics wheeled the gourney that amanda was laying on into the hospital. 

''Take your time mr.Cowell.'' One of the paramedics smiled kindly while he softly placed a hand onto my shoulder before he followed the paramedics into the hospital.

I politely nodded while i tought: take my time to what?

to grieve endlessly without any result or to realize how empty and desperate i truly feel?

''I can't mandy i just can't!'' I sobbed while i sunk onto my knees when in my my mind i saw the paramedics rushing my Mandy into the hospital again.

And in my head i heard Amanda ask:

''You can't what Simon my love?''

''Live without you!'' I sobbed outloud while i felt the cold wind wrapping itself around me like a cold wet blanket that comes straight out of the washingmachine.

Strangely enough i suddenly sort of felt at ease with almost unbearable cold without really knowing why.

Maybe because i briefly imagined that it was Amanda's spirit who was hugging me thightly one last time.